Friday, September 23, 2022

High Threshold For Bullshit

Lol. 

Do I really have a high threshold for bullshit?


A few things people have been telling me lately...

"Stop trying to be a hero."

"You need to have more self-love and be more kind to yourself. You are already doing very good at work."

"Crying so often is not normal."

"You have a high threshold for bullshit!"

Lol.


Why am I like that?
My mental state has stabilised from last week, feeling almost back to normal with my usual motivation for work.

Why am I like that?
I would think because I keep bouncing back up after feeling beaten, it makes people think I have a low tolerance for bullshit - do I really, though? :/ Or are some of my friends only seeing what I am showing them, and if so - Am I showing them that I have a low tolerance for bullshit? I would like to think that isn't true, though - that I have a low tolerance for the bullshit that is.


"Hero" 
I have no idea how S conceptualised this... But I guess that is true to some extent - me always accepting things, thinking I can. 

No, I know I can. 

BUT, I can do so many things only with the time given to me to do it. 

One thing I now hate is attending meetings. The nonstop back-to-back discussions... Where the hell is the time for me to do actual work? It's so bad that I prefer working over the weekends and spend the many small gaps between calls just stoning. 

It's so bad for my productivity, but my brain just can't. 


"Self-love"
A random big topic last weekend with the clique. 

I love myself quite a bit. But I guess I forgot that doing adequately for work and knowing when to let go is another form of self-love. 

Overwhelming myself is definitely not self-love. Most definitely not worth it too.

Random realisation - what if I chiong so fucking much, but my performance bonus is just shit? Lol. I mean, I value the work that I do. Just not as much as companies do.


Or maybe it's indeed true - I do have a high threshold for bullshit.

Friday, September 09, 2022

Out of Control.

This new project is killing me. 

The workload. The stress.... 

I am spiralling out of control. I have no idea how to do better, apart from just doing things. I don't want to be reactive, but that is everything I am now. 

I know she is good for the team and would be good for my own learning. However, with her attempting to step into the inner circle, my mind automatically goes into self-blame mode. 

If I didn't slip in so many areas. 
If I did better in all these areas. 

Maybe, we won't need the extra eyes.

Thursday, July 14, 2022

Smiling, But Not Really.

I am feeling so much right now and need an outlet, but I can't seem to fill this space with words...... 

My brain is cramping. My mind is going blank.



Feel like crying.
Feeling nausea.
Feeling my left shoulder swell.
Feeling the emotions all the way to my gut.
Feeling it bubble from inside.
I feel like crying right now.


Unintentionally escalated my current workload when I was trying to give headsup about the number of meeting minutes to expect for a potential new hire... 

If this goes up...... adding the minor things the client is/has been escalating.... Deep down, I'm afraid I'll come off incompetent. Not capable to take on work... Will people finally see my true colors? That I am not all that good.... at all?

Am I taking on too much?

Well, my laptop is running so many things that it freezes everytime I try to do something.

When I try to delete a word from my text.
When I try to switch between windows.
When I try to close a window.
When I try to switch between conversations.

It's just a few seconds, but it's such a waste of time to wait for a reaction, but I guess this is my laptop telling me to stop...

Yes, I am taking on too much.



For a long time, I am unsure what I want or what I don't want.

Now... It's clear.
I no longer want to run on the ground. I want to step up and oversee the work being done.


Please GYM, give me strength to get over this.
Please give me strength to power through today. This week.


I need sleep.

Tuesday, January 04, 2022

New Year, New Intentions

I remember how anti-climatic it was counting down to 2021. I worked and blogged about how anti-climatic it was. lol. Then 2022 came, in an even more anti-climatic way like it doesn't even matter.........

I was in bed, mindlessly scrolling Facebook like any other night 😅

This time, I made the decision to stay in. Had the urge to spend the last/new bits of the year with friends, but the thought of having to fight crowds and whine about crazy Grab prices thereafter changed my mind. Even if I decide to hangout at a friend's place, I still have to Grab home... So, no.

Is this aging? LOL.

Or maybe, I'll just continue blaming COVID-19. ;)

Ahh... Suddenly recalled how I spent the last bit of 2019. Counted down to 2020 in a club, a colleague got so dead drunk it sobered all of us up and we only went home at 6am... Also saw the winner of Star Search 2019 while trying to guard our colleague laying on the floor 😂

Clubbing. Wow. So surreal.

ANYWAY, I digress.

Came in here just to note my new intentions for the new year. Not exactly new, new.... But I figured, I could make this the focus of 2022!!

Started being more mindful in the last bits in 2021, and hopefully I can continue through...

2022, I hope to be more mindful of everything.

Life. Work. Food. Intentions.

Maybe gotta first focus on mindful eating. *looks at my weight* Yes, lets start and focus on that. 🥲

Sunday, December 12, 2021

Second Leads?

Caught Haha promoting his new song "GAP" at Jessi Showterview, and resonated with him - about being second leads and feeling inferior around talented people.

We can't all be leads in every situation, but at the very least, we are the main lead of our own lives.

We may not rule the world, but we rule our life! That's what more important than trying to be the top.

Right?

Yes!

Monday, November 01, 2021

I Want What They Have, Friendship

Was watching a scene on "New Girl" where the characters all get together at their island table laughing, talking about the weddings they went to together and just looking like they are having a lot of fun (S4, ep1)...

I realize.......... I more often want the friendships portrayed on TV shows, than being in a romantic relationship (I've watched so many chick flicks, I'm surprised I want the friendships more than love).

&I wonder why......

Friends who always have your back.
Friends you always hangout with. Doing anything and nothing.
Friends who are your best wingman.
Friends you grow up and old with.
Friends who know you so well, they read you like a book.

I have friends like that. Just not like that.

Is this reality? Multiple friends for different reasons. I guess so... Since we are all so different, it is difficult to find a one-friend-fits-all yeah?

And friends in reality grow apart... Not away from each other just...... apart, because we live our own lives too. Own family, kids. Partners. Friends talk less over time. Meet less over time. Hangout less over time. It's life.

Speaking of what I often want from watching shows.... Is it weird that I always only enjoy the chasing in romantic shows? Once couples get together, it kindda just dies for me. Lol.

Sunday, October 31, 2021

Oh Damn, I'm 30

Went for a facial today, and the beautician asked how old I am. 


30, I said.
 

Then she expressed her surprise saying she thought I was in my 20s.

20s..... Probably thought I was in my late 20s, right? I sure do not look anything younger than 25.

Anyway, this was a random conversation I soon forgot during the treatment until I got home.. 

 

Until now.

So, late 20s...... It isn't exactly that far from 30, but woah. I'm freaking 30!!! Sure does not feel that way..

30... and still stuck living with my parents. Though this isn't exactly a bad thing, I would think I'll live a little crazier being alone.... XD Cook a little more... Or maybe end up living with eating miso and udon for days 😂 oh oh and steak!! 

Just thinking about having my own space, my own kitchenware, is exciting.

30...I've said this so many times. Maybe we only truly grow up when we get married, and maybe more so after having a kid. The responsibilities are different, you are no longer one for yourself alone. Then again, maybe moving out is good enough to grow up. To truly feel like an adult.

30... Oh, at least I finally feel like I'm going somewhere in my career.... After almost 7 years of just feeling lost. At 30, I now see a glimmer of light.

People say we are all on our own journey.
Different from everyone else.
So, what journey am I on?

I'm 30 already, holy fuck.

Age is just a number, yeah? But I sure as hell feel it in the body too! Can't stand too long, can't sit too long...can't lay down too long too. Lol.

No, this is not a rant entry. Just randomly thought about being 30.

Oh damn, I'm 30.
But I'm happy, content and grateful.
If I could talk to myself from a decade ago, I would tell myself I managed to keep with my life's goal...

Staying happy.. Surprisingly difficult, but I managed!

And to myself from 5 years ago, everything just somehow worked out… at work that is.

:)