Disappointment, Work & Fake

It is half past two. What a long week. Felt like the port Jeju trip happened a month ago, not just a week...

Feel largely disappointed with myself today. 

The lack of foresight and the lapse in double checking our order. Wasted many people's times, just waiting around. It's unbelievable how so many eyeballs looked at the same quotation, and no one caught the misalignment.

I couldn't get over it. 

An unforgivable mistake in my books. 

--

I am glad I feel a little more comfortable with the big boss now. 

His vision is clear, but I'm baffled at how we can make the change. 

He is right, we are all protective of our teams and worry that automation risks our job.

I had that fear, more intensely before. but now... the headache from the project I am temporarily helping to cover is making me want to improve things. 

Still can't believe he made a blanket statement about all PMOs being messy though. The leave log he said now has more structure was already something that existed, but the people was the problem -- they were not using it. 

I figure there wasn't a point to repeat my thoughts; I've already told him once or twice before. We have to know how to pick our battles; and this isn't worth it. 

Long week, long day, many thoughts 

--

Why do we feed more inclined and motivated to help our friends than our family? 

A question I find myself asking. 

I often do not mind going beyond to help out a friend, but then I find it a hassle to extend the same patience at home. 

Why are we like this? 

Why AM I like this? 

More recently, I started having these voices calling me out. Making me think twice before offering help. A voice calling me a fake, because I am only helping my friend but won't do the same for home. 

I will do better. 

First step to change is recognising the problems.

Imaginary Dialogue

How I wish I could switch off the voices in my head—especially when they enter conversations between two people and tell me how incompetent I am and how they regret trusting me.

Why can't I just trust them for believing in me and not have imaginary conversations on their behalf to make me doubt myself?

The body knows before I do - I started randomly gagging again. Even before I realise I am overwhelmed. I keep blanking out.

I don't know what exactly is expected of me. How do I continue running the project's operations while still trying to gain deeper insights into its daily happenings? Is this hat too big for my head?

Give me a sign. Is this the right path?

Bully

I have so many things going through my mind right now.

First and foremost, I am grateful to know someone who can see things very clearly as what it is and also so real to call things out as they are. Most people are usually just either.

But then, it also made me think about how I'd handled the situation. I am embarrassed not to have realised it myself.

I wonder, did I really not see it? Or was I turning a blind eye because of my own situation? My own benefit. Was I just too oblivious to the truth because of the other noises from everyone else? Or maybe, I didn’t realise it was that bad… I didn’t know what exactly was happening at the back.

I am better than this - I should have seen it.

As excited as I am about the change. 

As thankful as I am for the change. 

As happy as I am about the change...

It should have been done properly. A bunch of people gathering to bully the bully - what does it make of the group of people themselves?

Then again, what do I really know? Maybe they tried something. They tried, and it didn’t work. Maybe this was their last resort.

I am but a nine. What do I know?

Out of Control.

This new project is killing me. 

The workload. The stress.... 

I am spiralling out of control. I have no idea how to do better, apart from just doing things. I don't want to be reactive, but that is everything I am now. 

I know she is good for the team and would be good for my own learning. However, with her attempting to step into the inner circle, my mind automatically goes into self-blame mode. 

If I didn't slip in so many areas. 

If I did better in all these areas. 

Maybe, we won't need the extra eyes.

Smiling, But Not Really.

I am feeling so much right now and need an outlet, but I can't seem to fill this space with words...... 

My brain is cramping. My mind is going blank.

Feel like crying.
Feeling nausea.
Feeling my left shoulder swell.
Feeling the emotions all the way to my gut.
Feeling it bubble from inside.
I feel like crying right now.

Unintentionally escalated my current workload when I was trying to give headsup about the number of meeting minutes to expect for a potential new hire... 

If this goes up...... adding the minor things the client is/has been escalating.... Deep down, I'm afraid I'll come off incompetent. Not capable to take on work... Will people finally see my true colors? That I am not all that good.... at all?

Am I taking on too much?

Well, my laptop is running so many things that it freezes everytime I try to do something.

When I try to delete a word from my text.
When I try to switch between windows.
When I try to close a window.
When I try to switch between conversations.

It's just a few seconds, but it's such a waste of time to wait for a reaction, but I guess this is my laptop telling me to stop...

Yes, I am taking on too much.

For a long time, I am unsure what I want or what I don't want.

Now... It's clear.
I no longer want to run on the ground. I want to step up and oversee the work being done.

Please GYM, give me strength to get over this.
Please give me strength to power through today. This week.

I need sleep.