To my dearest friend, TXX~

You must be wondering why the hell am I doing an LJ entry for you instead of telling you in MSN.
Simple reason, it's because I don't know how and I don't have the heart to actually tell you in MSN or face to face. :S

Xuan ah. I know it HAS been and WILL STILL CONTINUE to be freaking tough for you to let him go.
A 4 years relationship is darn long. I may not have experienced being in a relationship but I've once loved as hard as you do/did and trust me, I do understand how frigging hurtful everything is.
I do understand how you actually feel.

If you haven't know, I took about 2 freaking years to entirely get over him. But after that 2 freaking years (now 3 years), I still can't forget every single things we've done together, every single place we've been/passed by together, every single time and conversation I have had with him.
& I guess, you have to be prepared for all this crap. 

I hate it when I walk pass the route I've walked with him, I hate the spots in my house where I've sat/stood/laid around to talk to him and all the things he has said to me; I still cannot forget. I can still remember frigging clearly all these memories - I really just wanna put behind me. Even typing this here is making me feel the prick.
Honestly, I do still cry about these kindda stuffs now.
Every single time I think about it; inevitably, I'll just tear uncontrollably.

I am not trying to put our situation on par or whatsoever; but I just wanna let you know that I'm totally aware of what you're going through. How it sometimes is tough to wanna talk to someone badly but there's no one. Frankly speaking, no one knows I still think about it/him. (So, please be honoured to be the only one. Lol.)
When I tear, I cry silently in the middle of the night right beside my sister. And to not make it known, I'll just weep like some idiot trying my best to make no sound. Crying with no sound is like running on nails without shoes; freaking painful.

Wait, this is not the main point;
Other than wanting you to know that I understand how you feel, I wanna let you know what I think about this-

It's been tough and this will continue. But I know you'll brave it through. You have, NEED to learn from this relationship. I know you wanna get him back. I know you still love him. But if he doesn't love you anymore, there's no point holding back those memories or trying to get him back.

Patience and time MAY get him back to you; but you should understand that you deserve BETTER. "What is yours will eventually return to you." But, there's no point waiting and waiting for someone who has made it clear he has moved on and started anew. When you've missed a train, you've missed it; it won't come back. You'll just have to wait for the next train. The truth hurts bad. But we all have to accept them, swallow them down hard (even unwillingly) and get on with life.

Time don't wait for us to change,
Time don't wait for us to move on,
Time don't wait for us to do something or whatsoever.
So, we shouldn't let time just pass by. We should take the chance to make the best out of time/things. It's going to be difficult but you and I know you can definitely make it; It's just a matter of time, my dear.

You have a lot of people around you who cares and love you. We'll face it with you. We'll take your hand and walk with you.
It's not going to be easy trusting the next guy; but time will heal. Unless you wanna turn lesbian. ;x LOL!
But somehow, look at the bright side of this pain. At least, you've more time with your friends; and we're going out more and stuff. ^^

And regarding your current issue, MAN; I know how you feel too! Lol. Having Stephanie in my life is as good as having no one. She is seldom in class and is always out to find her other friends. If you feel sucky being stuck with 3 guys, try experience being with 8. Zzz And with 8 who always go out and skip lectures and all. :O
You are so lucky to have me, ST and MS okay! Lol.

I think that's all I wanna say. If you've read all the way here; I'll be freaking proud and happy la.
Didn't know I could blabber so much. ;x

Cheers!
And take care.
Jasmine.

Trust... I wish you believed in me.

Didn't think I would do an entry here for the time being; especially on the first day of 2009. Lol. But oh well, anything's possible.

Was talking to a good old friend last night. Came to know certain things that totally crushed me. I didn't think he was such a backstabber. The whole situation happened a tad too fast; but one thing for sure, I knew I yearned for one person to trust me. Only one would do. The whole world can turn their backs against me and say what they want but he has to believe in me. He has to believe that I didn't do anything I was said to have done. And that one person would ease the pain of the me being framed. As long as he believed I didn't do what I was said to have done.

That was back then. That was how foolish I was back then. Even before the talk last night, I believed that he wasn't involved in this whole situation at all. Or rather, wasn't the one spouting rubbish to others. I believed he was merely a believer but not one who went round telling the rest. But then, I WAS DAMN WRONG.

This happened 3 years ago. Yes, 3 long freaking years ago. I know it's really silly of me. Really really silly. Though it's silly to feel a tad affected, I just can't help it. His trust meant a lot. Back then and maybe even now. -.- And the last thing I would think he'll do was to be the one spreading the news. The thought of him saying what he said just suck. I have no idea why. But, it just hurts.this.much. x.x

Can you imagine someone you're really really really extremely close to didn't believe in you?
Can you imagine, that someone who you knew thought understood you didn't believe in you?
Can you imagine, that someone you trusted most didn't believe in you?
Can you imagine, how hurting it was?

Though I knew from the start it was all one-sided. But the least I wanted was trust.

The thought of it makes my blood boils every single second. Really. For all I've done; I wasn't given ANY credit but yet was given such a treatment. For the 2 years being classmates; can't there be an ounce of trust?
//Oh what wishful thinking.

Money, the root of all evil. How true.

OH MY GOD!

oh gosh! she's getting from worse to hopeless, getting united to shattered, getting so many disputes and. and. and everything bad! i hope she would be able to change~ something urge me to give her up but looking at my friends, i told myself that i never will let my emotions take over my mind! hais. wanna help her also difficult. i'm quite disappointed that the few sec one batch that is after my batch is getting from bad to worse. their attitude is very very bad! they are so god damn selfish. i can't believe what i see in them. hais. it's only the starting of the year. what's more, i heard from gary that whenever they see their senior, it's like seeing a ghost! ohh my god. are we that creepy? hais. i'm also sad that i can't attend the sectional practices, that means lesser interaction with my new sec ones. my skills are getting from worse to hopeless too.. hais. why is orchestra becoming like that? hais. i realy hope that this is only one obstacle that is coming our way and that we can overcome it sooner or later! hope that we can get a gold for next year's SYF. hope so! ohh yeah~ today, mdm lu screamed at us. all i know was i came out of the store and tune my instrument for a while then she come in and scream at us: "told you to go to the hall already right?" something like that. maybe she's having PMS. well, who cares. as if she ever cared for orchestra! how i wish mdm ng or mdm ong are in-charge today. hais. i miss the old orchestra! *hur hur*

anyway, i'm drinking coconut now! hahas. *slurp slurp* 8) hehes. after orchestra, went to hougang mall with fengni. chatted, listen to her, saw many many former schoolmates some i like some i don't and getting drenched! urg~ i was so damn wet. think i'm gonna be sick because after getting wet, i when home into my parent's air-conditioned room. then slept for about thirty minutes then went straight to have a bath. *bur* i'm still tired though. there are so many homeworks! ohh my god. hais. there's Amaths, Emaths, English, Chinese and. and. hmm. for the time being, i can't remember. ohh yeah! Computer Studies. hais. saddistic! so many things to do in such short period of time.

help me! i don't know what to do. i'm suppose to settle the money for the trip to the audition. i'm pathetic! hais. mdm ong can only pay for the going trip but then how to divide in order to make it fair for all of us. hais. i shouldn't have paid. wasted!

think i'm done for the time being. wahahas. =] i miss 'ta' !

First day of Term 2

sian. first day of term two and we have already got scolded or should i say screamed by our form teacher. hais. i can feel that she's stressed out. one: our class studying attitude is getting from bad to worse, two: the attendance of orchestra and the well-being is getting from worse to ALMOST no hope. can't help her much either. sigh~
let's talk about something lame. we were suppose to read a book: "to kill a mocking bird" for our english holiday assignment. when we enter our english teacher's homeroom, the chairs were in a form of a circle. as i look into the classroom i told myself that we were going to play musical chairs. hahas. can you believe it? we actually used that circle to discuss about the book. lame right?
anyway, i'm very eager about the audition's result. i know i can't make it, but there's still hope right? hmms. besides that, i'm also eager to book a chalet for 2eC (2005)! can't wait. hahas.
today, 'ta' talked to me. but i didn't really wanna talk to 'ta' so i just nodded to answer the question 'ta' asked. ohh yea~ sometimes, i can't take her. when will she stop discriminating herself? why must she always say she's what she is not? hmms. tried talking sense to her but it's of no use. nothing gets in. i bet she even feels irritated. feel like washing my hands off her but it's kindda irritating listening to her nag about her so-called bad points. sigh~

went to jalan kayu today with jiaxuan, gary, samuel and dickson.L. had dinner there after class in NYP. i feel quite guilty actually. there was suppose to be six of us but i.. well, sort of pissed that person off. i'm sorry but i feel quite reluctant to apologise.

never mind about that. osh! about fifteen more minutes! hehes. wanna watch campus superstar. it's gonna end soon. can't wait to see whose Singapore's first campus superstar! just hope the one is selected fairly. hope no 'xiao dong zuo' behind, but it's obvious that it's impossible! sian.

kkae le. needa watch TB and then do HW. sian. hais.

sians

hahax. heeheex. -bleahZ- school reopen le. hahax. so fun. our school start the homeroom system le. so fun. i think it is really a good idea that actually gives our brain some break while learning. i have to admit that lessons are much interesting these days. hahax. now everyday will have energy for lesson but will only last for the first period. hahax.first day of school and i'm arranged to sit with LiJian during Miss Suhana's class. siian. but i think it is better than sitting with Mole-ly, our class Lau GangYi the chatter box. he can talk to everyone in the class sia. -sighZ- saD. today, i was arranged to sit with that nuisance. i think i would prefer sitting with Lijian although he is a bit irritating at times. hahax. Then during History lesson, i'm arranged to sit with Leonard. a bit unlucky but at least better than sitting with GangYi. hehex.today very very tiring. last night didn't catch much sleep then today do so many chores. hahax. sweep the whole music studio. tired. eh. really tired le larhs. go watch my charm le.

o=o

hehex. nine days never blog liao nehx. haha. i'm now chatting with Haniza. she called me. hahaz. saD arhx. one more day then school's gonna start. saD sia. June holiday seems short to me this year. but, many things have happened and i'm glad that i have at least a week to really relax. Yesterday was the last day of our DAY camp.~
The first day was quite boring, the ice-breaking games were a bit dead. the secondary ones were so stiff and anti-social. anyway, the worse part was that, i wasn't feeling as good as normal. i felt heat early in the morning sia~ then start having headache. saD right. hahax. although morning was boring, the afternoon was so-so larh. start practising lorh. then, that is only when we (the seniors) realise that they (our juniors) were not taught the basics. the teacher is okay but he likes to go solo and will often neglect his students. saD. then we had no choice but to teach them from head to toe. My junior's attitudes are okay. Zhallyka is the most diligent one while the other two were okay~ Suying is okay but she is not honest about herself. for example when she don't understand what we are talking, she won't ask. she has a bit attitude. i can't take her sometimes. then lastly, huishan. she is a very fast learner. she get what we say and catch up real fast. but, she gives in too easily. a bit of pain she feels and rest is on the way. heard from Kim Pei and YanLing that she takes break for a bit of pain she feels. i don't know how is she going to perform the six or more long songs on the performance day. have to use the index finger the most lorh. so saD.
then the second day of camp was a bit more alive. hahax. the games and attitude are more lively. first, was the project meeting then it was Amazing Race. I'm so glad that i'm in-charge of one station and that saved me from playing. hahax. i modified my station and made the challengers to use their mouth and bite the rubber bands up from a pile of flour. hahax. then is was combine practise. hahax. the first three songs were so simple. hahax. so fun sia. but because of the sec ones. we had to go slow. saD. hahax. can't wait for the concert to come. wooo~~ heeheex.
last day, that is yesterday, i had the most fun.~! hahax. the game we had yesterday was so tiring lorh. had to run and chase after people. saD right. run until i leg pain sia. pain until today also haven't recover. -sighZ- hahax. then it was YiJia and Gary's birthday. hahax. they were sabotaged yesterday. so cute. but i think it would be Gary's most unforgetable tiring funny but embarassing birthday. hahax. the morning and afternoon was fun but tiring. the practises were good and smooth too. hahax. then evening was a bit tensing. i had to rush home early but teacher was not done with her briefing. then after that got scolded by mother. I was so late that the whole family had to wait for me and we couldn't dine out. i was so god damn guilty. saD. then after that, i went out with Jie Jie Yani to but dinner. wasn't in the mood to talk lorh. i wasn't saD that my hp was confiscated or that i can't go out with my friends but because i was so guilty that i didn't wana talk. i controlled my tears. until i reach the bath room it was so difficult. when i went to the bath room, i didn't really burst into tears, i just cried a little. then i went out had my dinner and more lectures. at about nine plus, i went in to my parents' room then i apologised to my dad. that was when more tears flow down my cheeks. after all those apologising, the phone rang and it was mine. my hp was confiscated (because bill exceed. $57.50) so i decided to divert all my calls to my house. then Leonard was on the line. he wasn't informed about my mood at that point of time then he said: "just now i forgot that i call you, i asked your sister whether dicky was at home" i just smiled. then i sniffed a little. when he heard me, he asked me whether i was crying. i kept quiet for a moment then i said no but couldn't control myself then i really burst into tears. he comforted me and i'm glad that i had a friend like him. that was my night.okay~ hahax. this morning was disasterous. i told leonard last night not to ask xingjie to come to my house in the morning but i think he just ignored me. i was sleeping when my mother came in and told me to wake up. few minutes later, i sat up then before i knew it, my mother opened the door and say: "dou nai here liao" then i saw xingjie looking into my room. i was so not awake but i'm a bit pissed. then i went down my bed, had a bit chat with xingjie and went to wash up. that was my morning today then afternoon i just sat around and watch the televsion. i just packed my table and is happy with that achievement. hahax.
i have been typing for about half an hour, and i'm starting to feel the pain from my fingers and arm. due to yesterday practise too. my hands and legs are aching. hmmx. i really got to go. buh bye. kekex. -bleahZ-
16:28 to 17:06-jasmin`

cut wrist again.

Wah... Today so sian sia... haha... I cut my wrist... Oopz... Haha... I don't know what happened...

Maybe I was pocessed bahx.. haha... I was alone at home today at about one...? to about four plus five bahx...~ then during that few short hours, I was trying to forcus on my bloody work... But there was no motivation... So, I went on to have a chat with my friends... Later, I start thinking about somethings (definitely not about boys) then suddenly felt lonely, sad and miserable... I think is about Friends bahx... Can't remember... Then I took out my blade which was just beside me, the drawer was beside me... Then I took out and cut loh.. I continued doing my work until a while later I felt pain... Then I realise I really cut my hand... Stupid right... Yeah, you can say that again... -BleaHz...-Today was fine man... A bit boring maybe... I stayed at home the whole day, I planned to study but end up using the computer chatting with friends... I'm always like that de.. can't seem to forcus... No motivation sia... haiz... What can I do...? +=*BleahZ*=+Tired leh now... But since today I never study, I have planned to study not tomorrow but later at night when everyone is sound asleep... haha...Today is Vesak day...

Actually I had to go to the temple de but because Examinations coming so never go.. My parents allow me to just stay at home to study but actually i was like playing and just hanging around... Sad leh today... YuFang, Peggy and Chai Huat went to Kovan there to study... I wanted to go but since i'm grounded, I have to stick to that bloody rule...

Today at home went through all my contacts in MSN Messenger... Found out that I haven't talk to RuYi for fifty days le... Woah.. That's long man.. Haiz.. I got to go... My mother is nagging me to help her with her bloody phone... oops.. heex... chaoz...~

novena!!

Yesh~ Finally the day I have waited... haha... Today, Miie Jannah Hafizah Dickson Chua (Dicky) and last of all, our dearest Chairman Soo Hou went to Novena... Sian arh~ Miss Suhana dua us lorh~ Yesterday say what she will -BRING- us to novena with her bloody car... Well, guess what was My reaction : "She drives?? Woah~" haha... Can't blame me, she doesn't look like one who can drive... oops... I'm so god damn bad... =pPp heeheexXx

We left our school at four plus... I had to do detention!!! ArGgG... Miss Suhana larh... She again... But was my fault too larh... Remember my class performance?? Well, we went out early so no choise lorh... Have to accept the punishment... Heehee...

The five of us, took 136 to kovan then take MRT to Douby Gaugh ((should be like this larh... any one who knows the real spelling, tagg me.. I wana change so pai seh)) then after that we change train, change to erm... the marina one larh.. then we alight at Novena lorh... All five of us were joking around... Dicky all the way keep ((suan)) me lorh.. sian!!! Haha...

Guess what, we had to look for that bloody shop because she, our form teacher Miss Suhana, didn't tell us the place with much details... Then we were smart enough, we went to the information counter and ask! We found the cute cute shop.. haha... The uncle also very cute... haha...

Tomorrow I have to back to the cute cute shop to pay the deposit... haha... Hope I not going alone... Haiz...

Today very funny, Leonard got alot of scolding... haha... He stupid lorh~ go and play with the fire alarm then my teacher, Miss Wat, bring him go general office... Tomorrow either got detention or what one lorh...

Haiz... Late ler... -sob-

sians.

Haiz... ((SiaN~)) I feel so god damn lousy~ Oh for crying out loud!!! ((Copied FrOm a BooK... haHa)) Haiz... I think I'm so dumb!!!

I should have guessed that bloody outcome!! It always end up the same...! I so regret being devoted to all of them... ((SiAn)) I hate mi myself and I!!!! ArgGg... God!!! Tell me what the hell is happening around the damn mi!! I'm so exhausted... So frustrated... So PiSsEd!! I'm so pissed and frustrate about myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ArhGgGg... Tell mi~ tell mi~ Just anyone will do!
Haiz... Gonna commit suicide one day... Wondering whether I should do that... Hmm... Nah~ That's too silly... Anyway, I did one silly thing ler!! Haha.. I used a blade to cut my left hand.. I tried to write a symbol.. But it turn out to be ugly!! haiz.. It hurts... Anyone reading this, remember not to cut ur own hand!!! haha... Ohh yeah... Yesterday about the QinWoon cutting Jannah's hand... Nothing real bad happened... Just that she had to go and have 7 stitches and was lucky that she didn't lose her life... QinWoon almost killed her... Haiz... hope none of these would ever happened~ i have to go now.. +*=BleahZ=*+

homeowork untouched!!

Guess what, my homework is still left untouched!! Hah! I am so god damn bad and lazy... ((Sigh~)) Got nothing to do but not in the mood to do my homework~ Don't do also cannot... Have to hand them up on monday~ ((Boring~))

I think I really should consider re-formatting my handphone... It is really very very slow~ Wondering whether I should format it or just change a new handphone~ Hmm... Forget it... Don't know what I'm thinking right now...

Yesterday went out with Haniza~ Had some catching up then found out that I am so lagging from the trend... What's more I am also slacking in my relationship ((Friend's))... I feel so guilty and bad bad... real bad... Yesterday night or should I say this morning at about 1145 to about 0300, I chatted with Leonard~ Nice chatting with him but I blabbered too many nonsence... God knows why I did that... But my friend's secret is still save with mii~ I just told him about what he wanted to know about dots.... =pPp... Haah~ Found out some hidden secrets about him too... Not really hidden secrets at all actually... He changed my opinion by telling mii his and I think that he's reasonable... Well, I think that guys are really better in communicating with girls... Well, can describe them as the best communicator CREATURES... Wahahaha... mii ish shoo baddie~ I guess I really only can communicate well with guys except for some and Haniza is an exception... She has a great listening ear at time when her mood does not go against her...
Since no one is reading any of my post ((Hardly any of my friends know I have one maybe 2 or 3)) I think I won't change my template anymore... It's so wasting my precious time~

I guess my post is long enough~ Haha... +*=BleahZ=*+

ESCAPE!!!

Phew... One week and two days never post le...

((Sigh~)) Many things happen these days but no mood to talk about them... Now talking to "Nerd" on the phone...Today so happy~ haha... Today go escape with Vaness,Zariel, Vani, Yufang,Leonard and XingJie (got some other few)... quite fun larh~~ The most fun part'' is when we went to the nearby beach... HmMm...

Why not talk about the whole trip... haha

``We played in Escape but it wasn't as fun as I thought it would be... Vaness and Yufang kept playing Pirate Ship, Wet & Wild and the family roller coaster... Me and Vani played... hmMm... Panasonic, Pirate Ship, 360 ((or the so called pepsi)) and Rainbow... This time in Escape, I really didn't had great fun... I felt quite weird without Haniza's company... The last time I went there was with her and we played all the rides within a few short hours too...

Actually I wanted to play 'Go-Kart' but missed the chance... The girls didn't want to so we skipped that... ((Sigh~)) Nothing special happen in Escape except the time when the boys join us in our second Panasonic ride... Zariel sat with XingJie while Leonard sat with Vani and I went solo... Leonard was LAME enough to shout 'I want my mummy' during the ride... It's such a disgrace having a friend like him but that indeed brighten up our day...After the first round in Escape, we went out hoping to find Aavram ((the guy who booked the chalet)) but, unfortunately we went to the wrong Resort... Haha~ Leonard wasted 7 bucks...

We gave Aavram a call then found out that it was the other chalet... We went back to the Escape entrance then followed Aavram to his chalet... We didn't stay long for the first time because we went to the nearby beach... It was so damn fun... At first we sat down on a so-called huge rock then relax for a few long moments... I didn't felt high at all because I was thinking of some unforgetable memories... ((Sigh~)) Vaness was running around near the so called tide then she suddenly sad alone one side quite far from us, placing her head on the knees... I went forward to sit beside her upon knowing that she was alone ((from zariel... haha...)) then later she sang some S.H.E songs then we start singing -Jian Au- Me and her went back to where Vani and Yufang was relaxing ((also because the boys came behind us))...

Then, we felt like soking our feet in the cool sea... We took off our shoes and went down as slow as we could so as to prevent from getting "hurt" we played for a while got wet... The best part of all was that XingJie got 'sabotaged' he was sort of thrown into the sea but it wasn't deep at all so sad... Too shallow... +*=BleahZ=*+ We played for a while until our hair got sand and shirt too got sand... ((Gosh what English!!)) We followed Aavram back to the chalet and settled ourselves down properly... Actually not exactly, we went straight to the toilet to wash our dirtied hair and so on... After that we went outside of the chalet and sat down...

The water boy ((Leonard... haha~)) served us great beverage... ((Ohh~~ I'm sooo Bad)) After these rubbish, we went back to Escape...We went back but this time didn't really play much... Just browse around... Then me and Vani thought of going home since it's a bit late... We spend quite a long time then we went out... ((The guy working there is soo cute... haha)) Did somethings then wasted some time until we finally walk to the bustop... First to the wrong one then to the right one... Haha... Can't blame mii... I'm a blind directory... ;p

Got back home at about 1945 then found out that my hands are quite tanned due to the blazing hot weather... Now, both my hands have three different colours... I'm so happy but was being reminded that I would be back as a fair person... ((sad~)) Haha...Hmmm... That's all the bahx.. Now late le need some rest!! Buaiz... +*=BleahZ=*+