Wow. Lol.
Cannot believe I've been running around for something that has always been nothing but a circle. As expected, it is, and always has been, merely a circle of illusion. Though I know it isn't as strong now, I still felt something when I learned about it. :/ Wow.
There's a great difference between choosing not to want and be told that you would not be able have. Lol. Joke.
ps: I wanna talk about it but I've no idea who to talk to or how to talk about it. :'(
Showing posts with label mehhh. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mehhh. Show all posts
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
Mentally Exhausted.
It's shockingly interesting how my thoughts and my feelings are such contrary. I thought I wasn't bothered but, I felt weird and uncomfortable. I even gave myself a great surprise when I felt tears rolling down my face.
Tears.
For the first time. :/
I don't remember it being this hard.
Or maybe, it was.
I find it amusing how I had actually believed such jokes. I should have learnt from my mistake the first time when things were extremely embarrassing and heartbreaking but no, I had to fall twice.
Twice.
No idea why I keep going in circles. Telling myself how determined I am and should be but the next moment, I'm all gone again. Maybe it's the people up there playing a Sims prank on me. Making me wanna do something but cancelling out the action just because it's fun to see people become stuck. Lol.
I've been running around so much, I no longer know what' I'm thinking or feeling anymore. First minute, I want this but the next second, I want a whole lot of different thing.
It's so tough trying to figure things out.
The bad thing is, no matter how busy I am, I don't stop thinking.
While I work, I think about it.
While I talk. Eat. Drink. Text. Call. Stone. Read. Listen. Even while thinking about things, I'll still have a thought full of it at the same time. And it seems to have worsen.
Headache. Headache. Headache.
Tears.
For the first time. :/
I don't remember it being this hard.
Or maybe, it was.
I find it amusing how I had actually believed such jokes. I should have learnt from my mistake the first time when things were extremely embarrassing and heartbreaking but no, I had to fall twice.
Twice.
No idea why I keep going in circles. Telling myself how determined I am and should be but the next moment, I'm all gone again. Maybe it's the people up there playing a Sims prank on me. Making me wanna do something but cancelling out the action just because it's fun to see people become stuck. Lol.
I've been running around so much, I no longer know what' I'm thinking or feeling anymore. First minute, I want this but the next second, I want a whole lot of different thing.
It's so tough trying to figure things out.
The bad thing is, no matter how busy I am, I don't stop thinking.
While I work, I think about it.
While I talk. Eat. Drink. Text. Call. Stone. Read. Listen. Even while thinking about things, I'll still have a thought full of it at the same time. And it seems to have worsen.
Headache. Headache. Headache.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Uncontrollable.
It's uncontrollable.
It's unexplainable.
It's undesirable.
It's undecipherable.
It's inexplicable.
It's inconsistent.
It's irreversible.
SIGH. No matter how hard I try, it seems to go all the way back to square one. I'm so tired of this.
ps: Lets just stop playing.
Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.
It's unexplainable.
It's undesirable.
It's undecipherable.
It's inexplicable.
It's inconsistent.
It's irreversible.
SIGH. No matter how hard I try, it seems to go all the way back to square one. I'm so tired of this.
ps: Lets just stop playing.
Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Having a Moment
Tired.
As every hour, every minute and every second slowly ticks off in life; change is constantly happening.
My thoughts.
My perspectives.
My impressions.
My feelings.
They have also changed in one way or another.
As time goes by, it unknowingly developed deeper. Despite so, I was surprisingly able to single out my thoughts from my feelings. Slowly.
One may think that I'm just running away, hiding or just suppressing it all. But no, I'm not. I admit it's still there but it's slowly changing. For sure.. and who knows, it might change again when the situation changes.
Honestly, I am also trying to figure things out.
Maybe, it has reached the limit and can no longer go further, that's why it's slowly rolling backwards.
Maybe, it's the realization of how everything was just a misinterpretation. How it was a wrong analysis.
Maybe, it's because I'm seeing more. Seeing more than just skin deep now.
Maybe, I'm just tired from everything.
Maybe, it's because I'm understanding myself more. Knowing what I want better. &Realizing what works for me and what's best for myself.
Maybes..............
So many episodes. So many feelings. So many thoughts. So many opinions.
I'm overwhelmed.
More than just over now.
Too much concerns. Too much thoughts. Too much missing.
Now, it's time to halt.
Now, it's time to not only say 'it's time to stop'.
I keep repeating this. Going in circles.
Who gets it?
As every hour, every minute and every second slowly ticks off in life; change is constantly happening.
My thoughts.
My perspectives.
My impressions.
My feelings.
They have also changed in one way or another.
As time goes by, it unknowingly developed deeper. Despite so, I was surprisingly able to single out my thoughts from my feelings. Slowly.
One may think that I'm just running away, hiding or just suppressing it all. But no, I'm not. I admit it's still there but it's slowly changing. For sure.. and who knows, it might change again when the situation changes.
Honestly, I am also trying to figure things out.
Maybe, it has reached the limit and can no longer go further, that's why it's slowly rolling backwards.
Maybe, it's the realization of how everything was just a misinterpretation. How it was a wrong analysis.
Maybe, it's because I'm seeing more. Seeing more than just skin deep now.
Maybe, I'm just tired from everything.
Maybe, it's because I'm understanding myself more. Knowing what I want better. &Realizing what works for me and what's best for myself.
Maybes..............
So many episodes. So many feelings. So many thoughts. So many opinions.
I'm overwhelmed.
More than just over now.
Too much concerns. Too much thoughts. Too much missing.
Now, it's time to halt.
Now, it's time to not only say 'it's time to stop'.
I keep repeating this. Going in circles.
Who gets it?
Monday, December 19, 2011
Y U SO WEAK?!!
SIGH.
It seems like my wall of self-restraint is slowly crumbling down; against my weak will. :((
From time to time, I'll find myself in this confusing mess - swallowing myself into nothing.
SIGH.
Do not want the wall to crumble. So much effort to build it up. :(
Really gotta get them out of my mind because it's driving me insane!!! :'( Y U SO WEAK?!!
STOP THINKING.
STOP MISSING!!!! Zz
SIGH.
It seems like my wall of self-restraint is slowly crumbling down; against my weak will. :((
From time to time, I'll find myself in this confusing mess - swallowing myself into nothing.
SIGH.
Do not want the wall to crumble. So much effort to build it up. :(
Really gotta get them out of my mind because it's driving me insane!!! :'( Y U SO WEAK?!!
STOP THINKING.
STOP MISSING!!!! Zz
SIGH.
Saturday, November 05, 2011
The Reason is Me.
There must be something wrong with me.
Even a million reasons are excuses. At the end of the day, it's actually because you're better off without me.
I'm so sick and tired of all these bullshit. If only I can switch off my feelings and emotions; I'll be living a better life.
There must be reasons why I feel and think this way. Sensitive and paranoid ain't them, by the way.
Must be me.
Even a million reasons are excuses. At the end of the day, it's actually because you're better off without me.
I'm so sick and tired of all these bullshit. If only I can switch off my feelings and emotions; I'll be living a better life.
There must be reasons why I feel and think this way. Sensitive and paranoid ain't them, by the way.
Must be me.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
I'm A Mess.
I'm such a big ugly mess.
I don't know anymore. Yet again.
Gave myself the green light to let things out, stop fighting the emotions and stop hiding away from the fondness for a while; allowing my face to be badly tear stained. It's been long since I bawled things out. It felt nice... somehow.
Feels like I've been reading things all wrongly again; felt like a lummox loser.
Well, thanks for leading me on the wrong way.
I don't know anymore. Yet again.
Gave myself the green light to let things out, stop fighting the emotions and stop hiding away from the fondness for a while; allowing my face to be badly tear stained. It's been long since I bawled things out. It felt nice... somehow.
Feels like I've been reading things all wrongly again; felt like a lummox loser.
Well, thanks for leading me on the wrong way.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
what's in for me?
是因为自己不够知足吗?
为什么会总是觉得事件和情况不够好...?
为什么现在过的不会象以前一样，那么的快乐...?
这, 就是人生吗?
fortune teller was right, i constantly have something going on in my head. bothering me or not. i just keep allowing my mind to wander off to create chaos. thank goodness they don't cause me headaches. lol.
i've always been content with my life. with the things i have and the people that i am blessed with.
i still am.
really.
but lately, for the past few months, it feels like i'm not as happy as i used to. maybe it's because i'm transiting to the next phase in life. i keep getting bothered with what i can't see. stupid right, being bothered with something i can't see. but hey! not like i choose to be bothered by it? but by what i can't see, i mean my future. just can't seem to figure out. couldn't see myself going far in the previous job (duh!) and now here too. but it's only been one month. so there's still hope. lol. probably because i'm in too much a hurry to wanna achieve something. to have the sense of achievement and satisfaction.
i need to be patient. stop hurrying.
then again, i'm still content and happy with my life. i mean, i keep having awesomely nice people coming into my life. like my manager,,, had a work-talk with her a while ago. before i left for my desk, she asked how everything was (and for the record, she probably asked me the third time already...), and even said that i shouldn't bottle anything inside and to talk to her if i have problems. like... so nice..! (Y)! she has this really motherly feel. kekeke. ps: my colleagues are all nice too!
omg. my manager just gave me this keychain she got us from her recent Russia trip. it's a small gesture but i am seriously touched! like.. really. i was almost in tears when i was on my way back to my desk. no exaggeration. what have i done in the past to deserve all these awesome people in my life?
family, friends, co-workers and just people!
(this happened like... when i'm about to hit "post!". all my tiredness just vanished. lmao. in fact, after ranting this out, i actually feel better. so the negatives are now gone. pfft. always like this. come and go so fast. == make me a contradicting bitch. first i'm sad and now i'm not. ==;) Okay, back to original context.
these small little things make me grateful, content and happy with my life. geuinely happy... guess, it's just normal to have a devil inside trying to ruin things, right? it's also just human to cry every once in a while, right?
inspiration, motivation and some light to my future is what i need. and also, i need to thin the line i keep drawing with people of superior status. when it comes to casual that is.
i'm still lacking in a lot a lot of areas. but i know i'm becoming better as a person every day. :)
BABAM!
为什么会总是觉得事件和情况不够好...?
为什么现在过的不会象以前一样，那么的快乐...?
这, 就是人生吗?
fortune teller was right, i constantly have something going on in my head. bothering me or not. i just keep allowing my mind to wander off to create chaos. thank goodness they don't cause me headaches. lol.
i've always been content with my life. with the things i have and the people that i am blessed with.
i still am.
really.
but lately, for the past few months, it feels like i'm not as happy as i used to. maybe it's because i'm transiting to the next phase in life. i keep getting bothered with what i can't see. stupid right, being bothered with something i can't see. but hey! not like i choose to be bothered by it? but by what i can't see, i mean my future. just can't seem to figure out. couldn't see myself going far in the previous job (duh!) and now here too. but it's only been one month. so there's still hope. lol. probably because i'm in too much a hurry to wanna achieve something. to have the sense of achievement and satisfaction.
i need to be patient. stop hurrying.
then again, i'm still content and happy with my life. i mean, i keep having awesomely nice people coming into my life. like my manager,,, had a work-talk with her a while ago. before i left for my desk, she asked how everything was (and for the record, she probably asked me the third time already...), and even said that i shouldn't bottle anything inside and to talk to her if i have problems. like... so nice..! (Y)! she has this really motherly feel. kekeke. ps: my colleagues are all nice too!
omg. my manager just gave me this keychain she got us from her recent Russia trip. it's a small gesture but i am seriously touched! like.. really. i was almost in tears when i was on my way back to my desk. no exaggeration. what have i done in the past to deserve all these awesome people in my life?
family, friends, co-workers and just people!
(this happened like... when i'm about to hit "post!". all my tiredness just vanished. lmao. in fact, after ranting this out, i actually feel better. so the negatives are now gone. pfft. always like this. come and go so fast. == make me a contradicting bitch. first i'm sad and now i'm not. ==;) Okay, back to original context.
these small little things make me grateful, content and happy with my life. geuinely happy... guess, it's just normal to have a devil inside trying to ruin things, right? it's also just human to cry every once in a while, right?
inspiration, motivation and some light to my future is what i need. and also, i need to thin the line i keep drawing with people of superior status. when it comes to casual that is.
i'm still lacking in a lot a lot of areas. but i know i'm becoming better as a person every day. :)
BABAM!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
What's Wrong?
No idea. :/
Everything started out just fine. But things seem to be getting very much worse day by day as it slowly eats me from inside.
I can't comprehend what's wrong or why are things getting worse; just feel extremely vexed about so many things.
PMS?
I hope so. At least, there's this "excuse" I can fall back.
The worst feeling anyone can experience having is feeling awful, empty and just upset with no apparent reason.
ps: What am I holding on to? Hope? Dream? Despite so, I'm still very much glued to the ground. With facts. With reality. But it seems like I'm losing vision all over again.
Everything started out just fine. But things seem to be getting very much worse day by day as it slowly eats me from inside.
I can't comprehend what's wrong or why are things getting worse; just feel extremely vexed about so many things.
PMS?
I hope so. At least, there's this "excuse" I can fall back.
The worst feeling anyone can experience having is feeling awful, empty and just upset with no apparent reason.
ps: What am I holding on to? Hope? Dream? Despite so, I'm still very much glued to the ground. With facts. With reality. But it seems like I'm losing vision all over again.
Friday, May 20, 2011
I.Need.To.Stop.This.Right.Now.
As much as I want to stop, it seems like the opposite happens and I keep drooping even further instead.
SIGH.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Suddenly Lost Sight.
Was having a random moment this morning when I realise how blurry my tomorrow seems to be... My life to come. :\
What am I going to do?
Where am I going next?
What is it in for me next? Suddenly so confused, suddenly lost the idea, suddenly so blurr... Suddenly lost sight.
SIGH. I need answers! G.Y.M, give me some clues~~ :(((
I have been having this really annoying headaches, that comes and go very often nowadays, and it's making me really really frustrating... Can't concentrate on things properly. Pissing myself off. =='
Please stop.
It doesn't work like a switch and it changes over time. Right now, I don't know what is going on... :\ Does it just fade or disappear? Or is it because it's the side-effect for being dependant and used to? - And now, it's changing because things are different already...?
No more knots, but I still wanna know. :/ I should be glad I don't feel as horrible as I used to, right? :\
I still think and miss though. :\
So many :/ today. So many things in my head. The least I wanna be troubled about right now is this. Gotta quickly get back the drive and goal. I'm an optimist!
Where am I going next?
What is it in for me next?
SIGH. I need answers! G.Y.M, give me some clues~~ :(((
I have been having this really annoying headaches, that comes and go very often nowadays, and it's making me really really frustrating... Can't concentrate on things properly. Pissing myself off. =='
Please stop.
No more knots, but I still wanna know. :/ I should be glad I don't feel as horrible as I used to, right? :\
I still think and miss though. :\
So many :/ today. So many things in my head. The least I wanna be troubled about right now is this. Gotta quickly get back the drive and goal. I'm an optimist!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, July 03, 2005
hmms
sometimes, i really hate people around me. saD. i'm so confused now. i feel like changing my blog. do you think i should.? hmms. -bleahZ-
Saturday, April 16, 2005
hais
((SighZz)) The day was fine... But it turned upside down after I read FengNi's blog... Haiz... It's no big deal because I read it often... But, today then I realise that she did mention about mii in her posts and that I have neglected her feelings.. Well, to start off, the feelings weren't the same... Especially me and her... I feel like a stranger around her and I can sense that she isn't acting naturally infront of me... At first, I was confused so I thought I should step down... Maybe I made her upset in someways... I wanted and tried to make the first move and talked to her but she was like not the FengNi I once know... It is not that she changed.. That's not my point.. But, the fact is, she didn't change... I was the one who changed... I knew I am the root to the plant ((problem)) but the question mark is, What in the world did I do?!? I can't remember well... ((SighZ))
I feel so bad... Real bad... The things I have done, the things I have neglected, the people I have let down and of course the many other things... I wish to take this opportunity to apologise to FengNi, it may be too late or what so ever... But I just wish that she actually would read my blog and accept my sincere apologise... ((SighZ)) I can't believe what I have really done or neglect... I feel so bad, so horrible... I can't let down the times we had spend together... I missed them but I don't know how to retrieve them back... I want to do things right this time!!!
BYE~ Peace Out... ((Vani's favourite quote))
I feel so bad... Real bad... The things I have done, the things I have neglected, the people I have let down and of course the many other things... I wish to take this opportunity to apologise to FengNi, it may be too late or what so ever... But I just wish that she actually would read my blog and accept my sincere apologise... ((SighZ)) I can't believe what I have really done or neglect... I feel so bad, so horrible... I can't let down the times we had spend together... I missed them but I don't know how to retrieve them back... I want to do things right this time!!!
BYE~ Peace Out... ((Vani's favourite quote))
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