Let It Be

It can be damaging to watch someone literally lose interest in what you’re talking about in real-time, especially when the person is supposedly someone dear to you.

We joked about it years ago; how I could see it in their eyes when they start drifting away mid-conversation and how obvious the body language shifts while I talk. But I never realised how hurt and affected I was... until recently.

The realisation hit me out of nowhere.

Last week, I felt a sudden surge of appreciation for my bestfriend.

Lol.

It wasn’t out of nowhere - I felt it while watching how a friendship that had fallen apart slowly came back together. How happy the pair of friends looked when they were finally together (for future self, this is “Bridgerton” Season 3).

The next day, bestfriend and I were just chatting about our greatest fear. Top on my list is losing control of my mind - which covers a huge range of scenarios, one of them being losing our memories.

Then we talked about the person we feared to forget the most if we had amnesia - bestfriend being the top non-family person, and I decided to mention my gratitude for her the night before.

I didn’t even realise it there and then, but I mentioned how I sometimes feel baffled that she could still be interested in me as a friend, making me treasure her even more.

(I really do be spamming her long rants multiple times a week, and telling her anything and everything that I’m excited or obsessed with at the moment. There has been no one time that I felt judged or distanced.)

When she pointed out that I could be so negative about myself sometimes, I replied, “I just find myself increasingly uninteresting.” Without even thinking, I followed up with, “I think because I’ve seen people lose interest in what I say right in front of my eyes… it’s damaging.”

Truth be told, it was just one person. There has only been one person who behaved as so and who has mattered.

It’s been a week since I said that, and I’ve decided to decompress from this emotion now because… it kindda happened again. Lol.

How I was interrupted mid-conversation and then we never got back to what I was talking about. That is a form of disinterest, right? Granted it wasn’t anything important.

It is fine when it is an experience on its own. But then you have other friends who would circle back to the topic and show genuine interest in you… When you have that… You just can’t help but make the comparison.

It is fine; I have come to terms with it, but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

Very timely, after we separated earlier, a TikTok video came on my feed, telling people to “Let it be” and explaining how to take back emotional control when you just let things be.

It has been a journey. A long one, but I am glad to be freed of that crappy emotion - the anger and hurt I so frequently felt. Because, really… not all friends serve the same purpose in our lives. All friends bring different values, lessons and experiences to our lives.