“Are you firing me?”
This is going to haunt me for a while.
I am grateful for this experience.
I am grateful for the calm response.
I am grateful for the person who became the first, and hopefully the last person I have to go through this with.
I am grateful for being decisive enough.
Dear GYM, please this be the last.
This is such an awful experience. I am so used to being the one on the receiving end, that I didn't think it would have to come to this. Good person doesn't mean a good fit.
Wednesday, June 26, 2024
Saturday, June 22, 2024
Let It Be
It can be damaging to watch someone literally lose interest in what you’re talking about in real-time, especially when the person is supposedly someone dear to you.
We joked about it years ago; how I could see it in their eyes when they start drifting away mid-conversation and how obvious the body language shifts while I talk. But I never realised how hurt and affected I was... until recently.
The realisation hit me out of nowhere.
Last week, I felt a sudden surge of appreciation for my bestfriend.
Lol.
It wasn’t out of nowhere - I felt it while watching how a friendship that had fallen apart slowly came back together. How happy the pair of friends looked when they were finally together (for future self, this is “Bridgerton” Season 3).
The next day, bestfriend and I were just chatting about our greatest fear. Top on my list is losing control of my mind - which covers a huge range of scenarios, one of them being losing our memories.
Then we talked about the person we feared to forget the most if we had amnesia - bestfriend being the top non-family person, and I decided to mention my gratitude for her the night before.
I didn’t even realise it there and then, but I mentioned how I sometimes feel baffled that she could still be interested in me as a friend, making me treasure her even more.
(I really do be spamming her long rants multiple times a week, and telling her anything and everything that I’m excited or obsessed with at the moment. There has been no one time that I felt judged or distanced.)
When she pointed out that I could be so negative about myself sometimes, I replied, “I just find myself increasingly uninteresting.” Without even thinking, I followed up with, “I think because I’ve seen people lose interest in what I say right in front of my eyes… it’s damaging.”
Truth be told, it was just one person. There has only been one person who behaved as so and who has mattered.
It’s been a week since I said that, and I’ve decided to decompress from this emotion now because… it kindda happened again. Lol.
How I was interrupted mid-conversation and then we never got back to what I was talking about. That is a form of disinterest, right? Granted it wasn’t anything important.
It is fine when it is an experience on its own. But then you have other friends who would circle back to the topic and show genuine interest in you… When you have that… You just can’t help but make the comparison.
It is fine; I have come to terms with it, but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.
Very timely, after we separated earlier, a TikTok video came on my feed, telling people to “Let it be” and explaining how to take back emotional control when you just let things be.
It has been a journey. A long one, but I am glad to be freed of that crappy emotion - the anger and hurt I so frequently felt. Because, really… not all friends serve the same purpose in our lives. All friends bring different values, lessons and experiences to our lives.
We joked about it years ago; how I could see it in their eyes when they start drifting away mid-conversation and how obvious the body language shifts while I talk. But I never realised how hurt and affected I was... until recently.
The realisation hit me out of nowhere.
Last week, I felt a sudden surge of appreciation for my bestfriend.
Lol.
It wasn’t out of nowhere - I felt it while watching how a friendship that had fallen apart slowly came back together. How happy the pair of friends looked when they were finally together (for future self, this is “Bridgerton” Season 3).
The next day, bestfriend and I were just chatting about our greatest fear. Top on my list is losing control of my mind - which covers a huge range of scenarios, one of them being losing our memories.
Then we talked about the person we feared to forget the most if we had amnesia - bestfriend being the top non-family person, and I decided to mention my gratitude for her the night before.
I didn’t even realise it there and then, but I mentioned how I sometimes feel baffled that she could still be interested in me as a friend, making me treasure her even more.
(I really do be spamming her long rants multiple times a week, and telling her anything and everything that I’m excited or obsessed with at the moment. There has been no one time that I felt judged or distanced.)
When she pointed out that I could be so negative about myself sometimes, I replied, “I just find myself increasingly uninteresting.” Without even thinking, I followed up with, “I think because I’ve seen people lose interest in what I say right in front of my eyes… it’s damaging.”
Truth be told, it was just one person. There has only been one person who behaved as so and who has mattered.
It’s been a week since I said that, and I’ve decided to decompress from this emotion now because… it kindda happened again. Lol.
How I was interrupted mid-conversation and then we never got back to what I was talking about. That is a form of disinterest, right? Granted it wasn’t anything important.
It is fine when it is an experience on its own. But then you have other friends who would circle back to the topic and show genuine interest in you… When you have that… You just can’t help but make the comparison.
It is fine; I have come to terms with it, but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.
Very timely, after we separated earlier, a TikTok video came on my feed, telling people to “Let it be” and explaining how to take back emotional control when you just let things be.
It has been a journey. A long one, but I am glad to be freed of that crappy emotion - the anger and hurt I so frequently felt. Because, really… not all friends serve the same purpose in our lives. All friends bring different values, lessons and experiences to our lives.
Sunday, June 09, 2024
Feedback
I should have seen this coming. I have been making so damn many mistakes.
I have properly neglected the one thing that has made me who and what I am here, and just allowed myself to drop tasks here and there.
Careless mistakes. Stupid mistakes, really.
You know what’s your problem, stupid habit of wanting to do everything simultaneously. You crazy?
Now someone who trusted you for years is properly fed up.
Thank god though, that because of the years of not fucking up, you are not being labelled as incompetent this time.
Let’s do better.
I have properly neglected the one thing that has made me who and what I am here, and just allowed myself to drop tasks here and there.
Careless mistakes. Stupid mistakes, really.
You know what’s your problem, stupid habit of wanting to do everything simultaneously. You crazy?
Now someone who trusted you for years is properly fed up.
Thank god though, that because of the years of not fucking up, you are not being labelled as incompetent this time.
Let’s do better.
Friday, April 05, 2024
Imaginary Dialogue
How I wish I could switch off the voices in my head—especially when they enter conversations between two people and tell me how incompetent I am and how they regret trusting me.
Why can't I just trust them for believing in me and not have imaginary conversations on their behalf to make me doubt myself?
The body knows before I do - I started randomly gagging again. Even before I realise I am overwhelmed. I keep blanking out.
I don't know what exactly is expected of me. How do I continue running the project's operations while still trying to gain deeper insights into its daily happenings? Is this hat too big for my head?
Give me a sign. Is this the right path?
Why can't I just trust them for believing in me and not have imaginary conversations on their behalf to make me doubt myself?
The body knows before I do - I started randomly gagging again. Even before I realise I am overwhelmed. I keep blanking out.
I don't know what exactly is expected of me. How do I continue running the project's operations while still trying to gain deeper insights into its daily happenings? Is this hat too big for my head?
Give me a sign. Is this the right path?
Friday, March 29, 2024
Level 9
No idea why, but a sudden realisation hit me recently - that I am now a L9 in the company.
That I should be performing at a L9 calibre.
Am I capable of being a L9?
I know how it works here, you don’t go up until you are technically already performing the role. But… why do I suddenly feel like a fraud? How did I even get this far?
That I should be performing at a L9 calibre.
Am I capable of being a L9?
I know how it works here, you don’t go up until you are technically already performing the role. But… why do I suddenly feel like a fraud? How did I even get this far?
Sunday, March 24, 2024
A Trip Together
People say going on a trip with friends may break or make a friendship - well, it does the same to families!
It has been a wild trip to Japan in the past week, a trip with conflicting emotions, many intense moments, and frustrating conversations. It is definitely a trip to remember.
Maybe just for me, though.
People remind us that as we grow up, our parents grow old.
I've always known this, but looking at how ageing has taken a toll on my parents’ bodies, has been tough to accept.
Sure, they are not exactly old yet - I also think so! But with our physique and them starting their fitness journey a little too late (during COVID so just maybe 3 years in), the body and joints have begun to malfunction.
It is a hard pill to swallow.
Watching them limp. Watching their legs shake. Watching them wince in pain. Watching them hesitate to stand and to sit.
I am constantly in 2 modes: I feel awful, but also frustrated that they just give up and don't listen.
It is not as evident here because we hardly do any activities together. We say we should, but someone ends up feeling lazy. We are always home, and Dad often uses his heater to ensure blood circulation.
The weather in Japan was brutal, and add on stubborn parents who underestimated the weather and didn't follow instructions on how to layer their clothes……… boy, it was so fucking frustrating.
It's like we were constantly in the mode of “told you so…” while still feeling the ache of them in pain.
The constant double emotions. The conflicting emotions.
This was why I've repeated that we don't ever need a vacation together to bond. We just want different things during a trip.
They are all about luxury - it didn't matter that they were cooped up in the room for 2 days. But us? We flew 8 hours and took 4 hours to travel down on land, the hell will we just start in the room?!
In fact, this trip made me loathe him a little. Just not doing anything was annoying.. And then there's the person who babies him. Goodness. It's how they've functioned all these years, but watching it now at how he is just around existing uselessly was extremely annoying.
Doesn't pack his own bag, but complains when the things he wants isn't there. Couldn't pick his breakfast because his hands just cannot. Made unnecessary comments about how he didn't decide what he wanna eat, but chose the same damn thing anyway. And just… standing there when she does most of the things.
I mean…
I don't want something like that. Ever.
Please, G.Y.M.
It has been a wild trip to Japan in the past week, a trip with conflicting emotions, many intense moments, and frustrating conversations. It is definitely a trip to remember.
Maybe just for me, though.
People remind us that as we grow up, our parents grow old.
I've always known this, but looking at how ageing has taken a toll on my parents’ bodies, has been tough to accept.
Sure, they are not exactly old yet - I also think so! But with our physique and them starting their fitness journey a little too late (during COVID so just maybe 3 years in), the body and joints have begun to malfunction.
It is a hard pill to swallow.
Watching them limp. Watching their legs shake. Watching them wince in pain. Watching them hesitate to stand and to sit.
I am constantly in 2 modes: I feel awful, but also frustrated that they just give up and don't listen.
It is not as evident here because we hardly do any activities together. We say we should, but someone ends up feeling lazy. We are always home, and Dad often uses his heater to ensure blood circulation.
The weather in Japan was brutal, and add on stubborn parents who underestimated the weather and didn't follow instructions on how to layer their clothes……… boy, it was so fucking frustrating.
It's like we were constantly in the mode of “told you so…” while still feeling the ache of them in pain.
The constant double emotions. The conflicting emotions.
This was why I've repeated that we don't ever need a vacation together to bond. We just want different things during a trip.
They are all about luxury - it didn't matter that they were cooped up in the room for 2 days. But us? We flew 8 hours and took 4 hours to travel down on land, the hell will we just start in the room?!
In fact, this trip made me loathe him a little. Just not doing anything was annoying.. And then there's the person who babies him. Goodness. It's how they've functioned all these years, but watching it now at how he is just around existing uselessly was extremely annoying.
Doesn't pack his own bag, but complains when the things he wants isn't there. Couldn't pick his breakfast because his hands just cannot. Made unnecessary comments about how he didn't decide what he wanna eat, but chose the same damn thing anyway. And just… standing there when she does most of the things.
I mean…
I don't want something like that. Ever.
Please, G.Y.M.
Wednesday, March 13, 2024
Bully
I have so many things going through my mind right now.
First and foremost, I am grateful to know someone who can see things very clearly as what it is and also so real to call things out as they are. Most people are usually just either.
But then, it also made me think about how I'd handled the situation. I am embarrassed not to have realised it myself.
I wonder, did I really not see it? Or was I turning a blind eye because of my own situation? My own benefit. Was I just too oblivious to the truth because of the other noises from everyone else? Or maybe, I didn’t realise it was that bad… I didn’t know what exactly was happening at the back.
I am better than this - I should have seen it.
As excited as I am about the change.
First and foremost, I am grateful to know someone who can see things very clearly as what it is and also so real to call things out as they are. Most people are usually just either.
But then, it also made me think about how I'd handled the situation. I am embarrassed not to have realised it myself.
I wonder, did I really not see it? Or was I turning a blind eye because of my own situation? My own benefit. Was I just too oblivious to the truth because of the other noises from everyone else? Or maybe, I didn’t realise it was that bad… I didn’t know what exactly was happening at the back.
I am better than this - I should have seen it.
As excited as I am about the change.
As thankful as I am for the change.
As happy as I am about the change...
It should have been done properly. A bunch of people gathering to bully the bully - what does it make of the group of people themselves?
Then again, what do I really know? Maybe they tried something. They tried, and it didn’t work. Maybe this was their last resort.
I am but a nine. What do I know?
It should have been done properly. A bunch of people gathering to bully the bully - what does it make of the group of people themselves?
Then again, what do I really know? Maybe they tried something. They tried, and it didn’t work. Maybe this was their last resort.
I am but a nine. What do I know?
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