Ashamed

Just read my last entry and LOL at my angsty, dreading the training required and the readapting to a new person. . .

If I could dial back 3 months, I would tell myself to calm down and brace myself for the WORKLOAD instead!! How could I have forgotten the insane level of admin work required for resource matters?!

It was just 1.5 months. Exactly 34 working days. 

But boy, was it the most hectic, craziest, body breaking period. 

It's not the relearning of every process again. 

Not the cleaning up of the mess. Not the figuring out of new processes too.

It's not the heavy admin work I took back.

Not the routine submissions. Not the weekly meetings and minutes too. 

It's not the new financial stuff I was tasked with.

Not the doing while learning. Not the confusion and mistakes too.

It's not the existing work I was already doing. 

Not the reports I now keep missing. Not the side work I'm still managing too.

IT WAS EVERY SINGLE THING ABOVE AND MORE!!! So much more.

No, not complaining, but I need an outlet tonight. 

I am immensely grateful to my supervisor, team leads and the management team, for just…… not blaming me for my tardiness and my mistakes. Not at all leh. & In the last few weeks, I found myself almost apologising everyday for mistakes or for missing out requests....

Sigh.

A rollercoaster month is an understatement. 

First.

Talk about bad timing; it has been about a year or more since K said he would like me to take over more financial items. And he chose the best time to finally release them - when my team is one man down, amidst project transition and new processes.

Still, not complaining. 

At the start, I was just so excited and glad to finally get something new. I really took a hat that was too enormous for my head at that time. Yes, enormous. 

Learning. Confusion. Mistakes.

Second.

Things were transiting, changing.

Contract. Client. Processes.

At the very beginning (which is merely 1.5months ago lol), the change of client caused so much confusion. Ideally, new clients may mean changing processes so work could be easier! Yes, and no. While some work seemed simplified, there were some tasks with more steps… That aside, the lack of comms amongst our clients themselves was frustrating.

He said to do this. She wasn't told. He wasn't aware. And there we were trying to make things work with hands and legs all pulled. Dramatic? Definitely. Things were resolved pretty quickly lol. I suppose confusion was just for a week?

Also grateful to have patient clients. Not yelling at me is a tick on my box!

Third.

Myself. My emotional self. The biggest hurdle I keep facing and, thankfully, overcoming.

While working, I was facing a myriad of emotions. 

Excitement. For the new work. For experiencing what it's like being close to colleagues again, because people are coming back to me with their questions. For finally acknowledging my capability. For owning my lead role.

Fear. For the things I may/have missed. For the work that I need to/have not completed. For the thoughts people might have that I'm not so good afterall. 

Surprisingly, I was not tired at all. I mean, I may have been physically tired from the constant sitting and the lack of sleep, but I was motivated to be running… What it felt like at my full speed…

Who am I kidding? I was definitely tired and running beyond my maximum speed. But, I am thankful for my body. For only breaking down after 34 crazy working days. After the new joiner came. 

In fact, the exact same date she joined!!!! Lol.

It was a physically painful 14 days straight. Backaches, heavyhead, intense headache and the random tearing and sore eye. At least I took a step back and rested. 

&Now, I'm back and ready to run again!

Supposedly.

And then… Today, as I was trying to clear my over 200 unread emails (it is a huge deal to me because I used to ensure I leave work with 0 unread), I realise…… just how much my supervisor and management team has… seemingly covered for me. Just replying to emails on my behalf, answering questions on my behalf and just not… blowing up at me for not being prompt enough. Actually, not replying to emails at all. 

Of course, it may not have been their intention and I may end up seeing these in my performance review? Lol. I choose to see the good la..

I am nothing but blessed and grateful for the kind people I have in my work environment. Now and even before. ❤

I digressed and started feeling thankful again. Lol. Why did I need an outlet today? Mostly because I felt ashamed that so many people were covering for me and I still thought I was doing okay. 

I felt useless… 

This is the first time I felt ashamed of myself at work…

For thinking I am still doing okay. For thinking everything at work is being handled well. For thinking my running at full speed was enough. 

Well, it's not.

For a moment, I was distraught. Why are there so so so many items missed out - I actually looked at the email chains and felt like I was an outsider?! I haven't stopped running, haven't stopped working, but there are still so many gaps and things I haven't done. What am I doing? What have I been doing?

Oddly enough, after penning the above, I feel at ease instead. I guess things in my head started to change when I decided to be grateful for the people at work first. Because their patience was what made it possible for me to just continue doing my work and not just breakdown because someone yelled at me. 

Also, I told myself, I'm not my manager, AD or MD... Though we may be attending the same crazy number of meetings, the work scope we have is so different. They use more brains to problem solve, while many of my work is the execution. It's highly administrative and more tedious and time consuming. Not saying their work is easier,  duh. Mine is just more granular (and mundane). Like… after a meeting, that may be the end of the topic for them, but us… we usually have followups of the topics to do from the meeting. Amirite?

May my recent tardiness and mistakes not be the pebble in my career path. Please.