Heavy Heart

Today has been a really good day; Spent it with my favourite people at work, doing work (yes, it’s Saturday lol we workaholics), eating good Korean BBQ for dinner, singing our hearts out and talking about our deepest feelings. 

The last part was totally unintentional. 

But this is life, right? Beautiful things happen when you least expect them. Tonight’s mini heart-to-heart session kinda <i>upgraded</i> our friendship to another level. I like these talks. It’s not often you can find people to talk about things at this level……

The irony to how great my day had been, I’m now typing this entry with a heavy heart. It has been a while since I felt this way, which is good. Even better that I haven’t felt empty for a while. A really long while…. I’ve been feeling happy. :’)

But tonight, I am going to allow myself one night to dwell on this. 

Tonight, I admitted to something no one has asked me before: If I’d wanted to advance a friendship into something more in the past. Yes, it would have been nice. Saying that out loud was weird. I have talked about my feelings before, but haven’t admitted I wanted more. Then again, when asked if I’d wanted it now, I said no and called out that the person isn’t great after all. You dodged a bullet. I nodded. I was also asked if I have any regrets about past relationships, and I answered ‘No’. I have never thought about regrets in this sense... It was interesting. But no, I have no regrets in my life (apart from not reapplying to a local University). Inevitably, I had to (wanted to) talk about the memories I still keep and can’t seem to shake off.... Those words said, actions done, feelings felt and memories shared. All the misleading episodes I was made to go through. All that was almost there, but not. Then, it came to this burning question “What’s wrong?” 

Tonight, I am harping on “What’s wrong?”, because… I still don’t know (and will never know) what is wrong. . . . . . . . .

With me.