Saturday, June 06, 2015

Identity Crisis

Spam typing my thoughts right now, and I hope they'll all make sense when I'm done.

Earlier this evening, I had a really long conversation with a colleague who has just joined the team.

Talked about work. Talked about the people at work. Talked about personalities. Talked about her past experiences. Talked about my future.

She had also mentioned about this cognitive psychology tool, known as Johari Window. It sounded really interesting so I googled it.

This 'tool' has 4 cognitive rooms explaining the way people are perceived by others and themselves; Open, Hidden, Blind and Unknown.
Open: One's personality traits that are known to others and oneself. I know, you know, everybody know.
Hidden: One's traits that are known by oneself, but not known to anyone else. I know, but you no one else knows.
Blind: One's personality traits that are perceived by others, but not know by oneself. In other words, what other see in us that we don't see.
Unknown: As it suggests, it's the unknown of one's personality that both oneself and others do not know. I don't know, you don't know, no one knows.

Cannot believe I typed that all out..... ANYWAY! I find that interesting.. Explaining a little of my thoughts right now.. :/

During our conversation, my kind colleague was very encouraging. She sang praises about my character and work ethic. It was extremely flattering, but it was kindda burdensome because I didn't buy any one of them. I couldn't. To being with, she hardly even know me... :/ What she know of me is merely the surface of what I want to show others...

And now that the night is deepening, my thoughts are running wild.

Who am I, really? Most people would think I'm someone nice, hardworking, cheerful and easy-going. But when I look at the reflection in the mirror, I don't see any of that. Instead, I see someone twisted inside. And only I'll know what's twisted. I know, but no one else knows. Actually, I have no idea who I am and what I want. I am just getting by the day because that's the only thing I seem to be able to do.

And this is bothering me so much right now... Who am I? These perception others have of me... I think I'm a bitch, instead of someone who's nice. It's the damn things that goes on in my head, and these damn things sometimes get translated into the things that come out of my mouth. I am definitely not diligent, but very lazy. :/ Cheerful, and easy-going... These just seem to make my life easier. It's sometimes difficult trying to explain my thoughts, and it takes up so much energy to be angry or have an argument with another. I just want to remain happy and positive because all other negative emotions are such bullshit.

As the night continues to deepen, I find my eyelids growing heavier. -_- This is such a nonsensical entry.

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