I came to a realization today. Or rather, I've finally admitted this truth about myself.
I'm not a happy person afterall.
I may be content and happy with all I have. I may be content and happy with who I have.
But at the end of the day, I don't wanna live long. I don't wanna be old. It's a frightening thought, a frightening process. It's like...... struggling all throughout our lives only to go back to zero. Or maybe, it's just God's way of claiming us back in our original state?
I may be content and happy with who I am. I may be content, happy and grateful in general.
But at the end of the day, I would look at adorable kids and tell myself I won't wanna bring another cute innocent soul to this world. Growing up is fun, yet extremely hard at the same time. I would say to myself "It's cruel to bring another into this cruel, miserable world."
I might have woken up from the wrong side of the bed today, or maybe it's just my stress talking............ But I know, despite being all happy and good on the outside, I'm just not as happy as I've always thought I am.
All these depressing thoughts always come to me when I see kids or the elderly. :/ They are like the triggers to the negative side of me.
At the end of the day, I don't know what I am thinking or what I am feeling.