Effort.

i was just wondering... wondering why some people bother to keep trying; trying to make things work, to make things connect, to make things stay alive, to make things continue, even when they feel tired. so tired.

it takes two to fight, two to clap, two to tango, and two to make babies. (sorry, the last just popped in my head). and i dont understand, or see why, one should continue putting in effort to try making things work when it is obvious the other has left.

"because you are not as important as they are to you"

so what is people suppose to do? forgo all efforts and let all the past remain as history and move on...?

wait, that isn't the main point... because i was actually wondering and puzzled with my contradicting thoughts, feelings and emotion. i feel tired and unimportant to this ... ... ... but i cant seem to make up my mind with what i want to do to deal with it.

the word "bestfriend" is an awful word. how do you actually regard someone as a bestfriend? i used to think it's someone who you can chat long hours with even if you see each other every single day, then it changed to it's someone you who still feel connected with even if it means you don't meet each other as often anymore...

but now, i feel that a bestfriend is someone who you can be both the above but more importantly, makes the effort to make you feel special, to be there when you need someone, to not make you feel unwanted, chunked to a side or talked to only when needed or missed. a bestfriend don't have to always be in your mind but i guess they should think of you at least once a month, miss you at least once a month, and contact you or talk to you for a long hour chat every once in a while...

i've been bottling these feelings for so so so long, and a conversation today, a situation that is going to happen just made me feel so tired of keeping them in, that made me feel so exhausted from acting like i don't care...

because no matter how good bestfriends can be at being apart from each other, there will still be this lagged and distant if it goes on for too long...

how long have we not update each other? or at least, how much do you actually know about my situation or anything that is going on? if you are bothered and makes the effort, you would just drop a simple message, and it's not that i'm being petty for not being the one to initiate, it's simply because i feel tired for always being the one to push the damn wall away from inbetween. "it's not because i don't care, it's because YOU don't care."

this always happen to me. am i that easy to be put aside? am i that easy to be remembered ONLY at times when i am appropriate?! do people realize or know how much i want to be part of their lives and grow up together, turning back to laugh at the past?

i once told a friend, you gotta put in the effort first before you can expect the other party to put in the effort... but what am i suppose to do when i've put up all my effort only to see the other party further away from me instead?

i feel horrible. but no one understands, because i truely, honestly, don't get this as well... just say i'm being petty, being stupid, being narrow minded, i don't care, because deep down, i feel this way... and, i don't understand why it's like this... i don't control what i think or what i feel because my mind only help to reason and rationalize these, but what am i to do when my mind can't untie this knot and my heart just continue to sink everytime i think of it?

sometimes, i say things so that i can try making myself believe what i say, you get it??

i just needed a rant, okay?