PROBLEMS!!

i really don't know what's happening. it's like; these commotions are inevitable.
first, it's our clique. now, it seems to be CO comittee. what is really wrong? i really can't judge the happenings now. i don't even know what am doing. am i the root to the problem or am i not helping to solve any of the problems.

our clique. she claim that it's broken. i don't deny there's some gaps and some missing pieces. but, i just don't like it when she say there was once when only she was motivated to save the clique but nothing seems right. she's not only the one whose being hurt. frankly speaking, i didn't see any actions before, that seems to prove that she was trying. i'm not posting this to create another misunderstanding or another commotion. i just feel this way. i don't feel that the clique is broken. i feel that everyone is fading away (or at least, i am). the first time i learn about them filling up job application forms without telling me, i knew something was different. i'm not being sensitive or jealous. it's just that; we were all finding jobs and i don't think it's really nice to just go on. maybe they feel that having a friend less to fill for the job, they would be likely to be employed. i don't know.
then, they went out without asking us and pointed out that we went out without telling them too.

but, the thing is; most of the time we ask them to go out with the other group, they won't go. not that i blame them. i understand why they don't wanna go. because it's like going out with a group of friends you don't really know and feel not as comfortable. so, what am i suppose to do? what would you do if this happens to you;

your former classmates asked you out one day to watch movie. at first, you feel quite relunctant because you want to save some money to buy things at the end of the year. on the other hand, you feel like having a break. a break from school work and so on. you feel like asking your clique along but understand that they won't be keen on the trip. you waited for the last night to see whether any member from your clique might ask you out. the result? no one called. so, you asked your mother whether you should join your group of former classmates to a movie you think it's nice (because of the actors. ^^). she agreed and you inform your friends at night (at around 2100hrs+). it wasn't too late. the next morning, you feel relunctant again. but there was no one who asked you out other than them.
would you still go out with your former classmates??

maybe, i should have stayed at home. the movie was only worth $7 but not $9, but it was still nice. another thing, i feel disappointed by her says. that time we ask her, she say she wanna save money but recently, i heard from her (herself) that she went out to movies on the very same day (only paying 50cents more than us). hais.

second, CO committee is having some difficulties. after one feels left out, the other one starts feeling the same. it's like a virus that is spreading in a very fast and vicious way. we only started solving one and the other starts spreading to another. how to tighten the bond when almost everyone feels left out at the same time?!? how do you think i should solve this problem? to sit down with the whole committee and talk to them or confront them one by one? maybe, i should be the one stepping down? i don't deny feeling this way but seeing huiyi feeling most of the pressure, i don't wanna let go. it's something i've been struggling with. i'm still lost. everytime i comfort huiyi, i feel like i'm lying to myself. the problems are so obvious but i just say: "it's okay~ never mind about it". in this committee, i don't feel being motivated to move on. but, i can't just stop there or slow down my pace. it's unfair to those who still believes in this committee. the rest? how to motivate them? gosh.

how can i make them see that without anyone of them, ideas will be lesser, things would be harder and that everyone is significant to the committee, to the whole orchestra? we need every brain. but, we can't select everyone in the orchestra to be a committee. that's why, our seniors together with the teachers selected all of us to be in the committee. they believe we can bond better. that we can work together. that we are special. that we are potential leaders. how to let everyone know that they are significant to the whole orchestra. it's like trying to break a chopstick and a bunch of chopsticks. which would be easier to be broken. of course, the one and only. with everyone, things won't break that easily. but, how can we withstand the pressure if almost half of the bunch (of chopsticks) is broken already?

hais. how can i let them know that they should come for the sake of helping and the sake of belonging but not only for the sake of coming? i know they loath coming back to school early in the morning. i also don't like it. but, it's our responsibility. hais.

do they know that i also feel left out at times? that i have many other problems arising too? that CO and my clique is not the only thing in my life that is having problems? what about my family? does anyone know anything? everyone is like so busy with their own problems that i feel so lonely and lost. that i can't make myself tell them my things. i feel really isolated. like the things and the people i was once real close suddenly walk out on me in the middle of a dark forest. does anyone realise i'm feeling this?

what have i really done wrong to her that makes her treat me as if i'm invisible? does she remember the times she was in crisis and all the tough times we went through or are they just dirt to her which she has already cleared? i look like i don't care but, it doesn't mean i really don't give a damn. i care more than what she think. i just suddenly don't know how to express myself anymore.

i'm always struggling whether to confront or not to. will my confronting affect the whole thing? maybe i really should just hack care. i can start all over again next year or maybe when i'm in Poly. right?