LIFE and DEATH.

hmms. lately, there's someone who has just passed away in my neighbourhood. everytime i bypass the funeral, i have a very strange feeling deep inside me. it's so difficult to describe. well, for the first time, i looked up and saw the picture of the ''new spirit''. i didn't look up on purpose. i swear. but i still did. at that point of time, i felt that i have failed being respectful.

from young, i'm not sure why, i have been lowering my head everytime i by-pass a funeral to me, it's a gesture of respect to the dead. hmms. my post is getting so eery. anyway, this morning when i was on my way to school (the bus stop), i caught a glimpse of the funeral again. then, as i walk something suddenly struck me. as in thoughts. =]

out of the sudden, i feel that being a human being is to live, enjoy and lastly, leave. if we live in this world but don't enjoy the things we are doing, there's no point living miserably. right? because if we don't live and enjoy our lifes, we will end up leaving the world with regrets. =] i also don't know why and how that thought when into my head. hahs. maybe i suddenly feel that life is so short and surprisingly weird. why must there be lives, growth and death? hmms. ohh well, i'll leave that for me to find out. hahs!

today is yet another long day. but, it's a good thing we have no test. hehs!! completed my assignments on my own within two hours. hahas. i'm so happy. handed up my assignments today with no feeling of reluctant or guilt like i use to. =] out of the sudden, i feel like really studying and practicing and getting my head, hands and mind to work! wahahs! maybe it's because doing coordinate geometry made me feel that way. in one way or another, i am now able to solve most coordinate geometry questions with no more questionings! hahs. well, it's a great achievement to me because i use to not understand a bit of the chapter and i certainly hated that topic. hahas.

ohh yeahs! on my way home from school reflecting on what i have done these days, i realised something and it made sense when i continued that thought as i bath. (: well, everyone has made a habit in giving themselves and everyone excuses that they are stress, having troubles and busy. out of the sudden, or should i say i always think that these are only excuses to be excused from the thing they are tired of doing or conducting or performing or even trying. being lazy is obviously not a good excuse. at least, i have proved myself wrong about me having no motivations inside me. at least, i have suceed in understanding and enjoy doing the chapter i once hated, coordinate geometry.

life is too long and tiring that people are giving reasons to excuse themselves and giving themselves breaks, and time to rest. resting never seem to be enough. right? hahas. but i really wish the time goes with 48 hours not 24 hours. at least i can spend more time sleeping and resting my mind totally.

ohh yeahs! today in computer studies lesson, our teacher announced that we are suppose to take this test that provides us with a globe-known certificate. hmms. guess it's really a good opportunity. =] at least, we get to pay six times lesser than those who wants to take the test outside. wahahs!

okay. back to my day. after school, jiaxuan, samuel, lynn, gary, zhixiong and i went to hougang mall to have lunch. wasted pretty much time and settled down in the food court. by the time i finished eating, i thought i was late. wanted to hurry down to the bus stop but end up waiting for jiaxuan who went *poof*! she vanished the last time we turn back. hahas. then, i went up to the toilet to look for her. felt rather pissed because she's always doing things without having the courtesy to inform her friends. when i went down after the search in the toilet, i saw her with samuel at the place we were waiting. confronted her and felt that the argue will go nowhere so i kept quiet and walked away to look for soohou, gary, zhixiong and lynn who went off first.

so, we went to the bus stop to wait for bus. i gotta rush back to school for prefects' meeting. saw fengni and siewming. felt something fishy but i guess i won't get into it yet till i prove my fishy instincts that i'm actually right. for now, i really hope i'm being over sensitive.

miuntes later, my bus came. boarded with jiaxuan and alighted alone at my school's stop. walked briskly because i was like late for almost all the three meetings lately. guess what? the meeting which was suppose to start at 1430 end up starting at 1500+. one of us had to stay and complete a chemistry test. so i felt dumb.

at that point of time, i felt lonely. for once, i'm not close to friends that i see almost everyday. maybe it's because we are off different race that's why.

well, i guess i will sum up my feelings for the whole meeting. yes, i don't deny having my opinions accepted and considered during the meeting. however, during most of the meeting, i really regret not taking up malay as another language. the committee has only two chinese, one male, one female, not counting the one not commited. our existence was somehow neglected. then, i finally understand those who were of another race but had to join a chinese group's feeling when we chat and joke. it's like we are isolated. like we're no longer inside the group. i'm glad that one of use kept emphasising to speak in English. =]

also, i feel that my journey for that given opportunity will be long and tough and bumpy and lonely and dark. maybe it's time for me to learn to be more independent. no more friends to accompany anymore. maybe she's right about having not much true friends yet. maybe it's not the time for me to treasure my friends too much. anyway, i really do hope that my journey will be smooth.

many people ask me why i still continue being enthu about all those meetings and so on. i finally found an answer. i ever ask myself this question: "am i doing all these to be recognised" or "am i doing these for the status".

got those questions answered. i'm being committed not because i want to be recognised or i want the status badly. i just want to feel accomplised after the whole planning i successful. i want to be the organiser and make things work. yes, i admit being recognised is something rather good and rewarding. however, it's not the motivation i feel to be committed. to me, i think that when we are given chances to perform well, we should not disappoint the person who trsuted us. it may also sharpen ones characteristic. frankly speaking, after the dreadful incident i encountered by DARKchocolatesnakes with some artificial MILKYcream this year, i dare not take up any resposibilties anymore. that's why having status doesn't mean it's good. if respect is what a leader wants, i don't think he/she would be a good leader. respect should be earned. therefore, being a leader or not doesn't really relate to gain respect. it's true that leaders obtain respects automatically, however, this type of respect will soon wear out. =]

hmms. to sum up, i really do hope people who sees me being committed to something does not think i wanna be a leader or be recognised. at least i know i'm happy doing what i enjoy in life. (:

frankly speaking, i feel reluctant when my friends are not as supportive and committed as i am at times. however, i realised that forcing them to do something they hate never make products good and service efficient. just realised that i've learnt how to accept the way they are and let things go. =]

stupid me. thinking about so much today. wahahs!

=B