Imaginary Dialogue

How I wish I could switch off the voices in my head—especially when they enter conversations between two people and tell me how incompetent I am and how they regret trusting me.

Why can't I just trust them for believing in me and not have imaginary conversations on their behalf to make me doubt myself?

The body knows before I do - I started randomly gagging again. Even before I realise I am overwhelmed. I keep blanking out.

I don't know what exactly is expected of me. How do I continue running the project's operations while still trying to gain deeper insights into its daily happenings? Is this hat too big for my head?

Give me a sign. Is this the right path?

Level 9

No idea why, but a sudden realisation hit me recently - that I am now a L9 in the company.

That I should be performing at a L9 calibre.

Am I capable of being a L9?

I know how it works here, you don’t go up until you are technically already performing the role. But… why do I suddenly feel like a fraud? How did I even get this far?

A Trip Together

People say going on a trip with friends may break or make a friendship - well, it does the same to families!

It has been a wild trip to Japan in the past week, a trip with conflicting emotions, many intense moments, and frustrating conversations. It is definitely a trip to remember.

Maybe just for me, though.

People remind us that as we grow up, our parents grow old.

I've always known this, but looking at how ageing has taken a toll on my parents’ bodies, has been tough to accept.

Sure, they are not exactly old yet - I also think so! But with our physique and them starting their fitness journey a little too late (during COVID so just maybe 3 years in), the body and joints have begun to malfunction.

It is a hard pill to swallow.

Watching them limp. Watching their legs shake. Watching them wince in pain. Watching them hesitate to stand and to sit.

I am constantly in 2 modes: I feel awful, but also frustrated that they just give up and don't listen.

It is not as evident here because we hardly do any activities together. We say we should, but someone ends up feeling lazy. We are always home, and Dad often uses his heater to ensure blood circulation.

The weather in Japan was brutal, and add on stubborn parents who underestimated the weather and didn't follow instructions on how to layer their clothes……… boy, it was so fucking frustrating.

It's like we were constantly in the mode of “told you so…” while still feeling the ache of them in pain.

The constant double emotions. The conflicting emotions.

This was why I've repeated that we don't ever need a vacation together to bond. We just want different things during a trip.

They are all about luxury - it didn't matter that they were cooped up in the room for 2 days. But us? We flew 8 hours and took 4 hours to travel down on land, the hell will we just start in the room?!

In fact, this trip made me loathe him a little. Just not doing anything was annoying.. And then there's the person who babies him. Goodness. It's how they've functioned all these years, but watching it now at how he is just around existing uselessly was extremely annoying.

Doesn't pack his own bag, but complains when the things he wants isn't there. Couldn't pick his breakfast because his hands just cannot. Made unnecessary comments about how he didn't decide what he wanna eat, but chose the same damn thing anyway. And just… standing there when she does most of the things.

I mean…

I don't want something like that. Ever.

Please, G.Y.M.

Bully

I have so many things going through my mind right now.

First and foremost, I am grateful to know someone who can see things very clearly as what it is and also so real to call things out as they are. Most people are usually just either.

But then, it also made me think about how I'd handled the situation. I am embarrassed not to have realised it myself.

I wonder, did I really not see it? Or was I turning a blind eye because of my own situation? My own benefit. Was I just too oblivious to the truth because of the other noises from everyone else? Or maybe, I didn’t realise it was that bad… I didn’t know what exactly was happening at the back.

I am better than this - I should have seen it.

As excited as I am about the change. 

As thankful as I am for the change. 

As happy as I am about the change...

It should have been done properly. A bunch of people gathering to bully the bully - what does it make of the group of people themselves?

Then again, what do I really know? Maybe they tried something. They tried, and it didn’t work. Maybe this was their last resort.

I am but a nine. What do I know?

I am Excited. Until I’m not.

Going through exactly what I was thinking of early last month.

I was excited until I was not.

I always believe in not having expectations because that usually leads to disappointments. It’s like a hack to remain happy—why do something that will potentially increase the chance of feeling a negative emotion, right?

This week, I realised that feeling excited about something is akin to having expectations. You’re excited about the day because you subconsciously hope (?) that it will be a good day. You look forward to it being a good day… 

Expectations~

And then, without knowing it, when the day falls short of your excitement (expectation), you’re just left with this gap - this disappointment.

Finally, The Year Everything Becomes Bland

I didn't think it would come to this; I am no longer excited about the festive season and my birthday.

Some of my friends had long come to accept that their birthdays were just another day and would rather not celebrate or make a big deal about them. 

But me? 

I still like the idea of birthdays being special. The idea that festivities are special.

I know every day can be special if you make it—but that's not the point, isn't it? Every day can be a good day, but not every day is special. If not, "special" loses its meaning.

Says the one who no longer feels excited.

It is a bit sad, isn't it? The day is now just another day.

Oh, what and why have I come to this......

I Am Not Too Bad

It has been a pretty long and brutal week.
Saying our roles need multitasking as one of our skills is not a joke.

The only great thing I got out of yesterday’s townhall was realising what others say about me hadn’t been lies. I am not as bad as I keep telling myself I am.

At the very least, I am able to coordinate multiple things simultaneously and have a slightly more acute awareness of what makes an event successful—or at least, not for it to become a disaster.

I was a little taken aback by the questions asked but understood that not many people are tech-savvy - for which, I am immensely grateful for being interested in tech since before. Or let’s just say it’s a generation thing, I am so grateful to have grown up with computers. This aside, I was more baffled and annoyed by the lack of awareness of the surroundings or attention paid to what’s happening if you are supposedly hosting….

How could one sit comfortably and chat when people were still streaming into a packed area? How could one not consistently ensure the camera for the virtual version was showing the perfect screen? Still…. Chatting instead of paying attention?

PS: It also does not make sense to show the presentation screen to the virtual viewers when they already have a perfect view of the presentation deck.

Just saying.

Sigh. I am not being bitchy I just needed to rant. It has been a really long week.

I am sure people bring different values to their projects and thus are worth the levels we are at. I was just…. More than anything, grateful that I’ve had the experience in the past of consistently perfecting our project town hall so I know what to do.

And now, I can only wish that I am on par with the other things they do in the projects they support too.

Am I The Toxic Friend?

I haven't been behaving my best, not even my usual, for a while now. I know… I am fully aware. But it seems like I still can't help it. I still can't help feeling upset, annoyed and vengeful.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Sometimes, distance helps to remind us of what is more important.

Was Good.

I have a tendency to replay scenes in my head when they are hurtful, embarrassing, or, this time, pretty good.

It happened on this date and has since been replaying in my head for… days.

This particular episode is a double-headed sword, though.

While I am fully okay with what happened, I unknowingly also started questioning why I am okay with it and if I am truly okay with it.

What a joke...

At least it was the saving grace of a pretty boring dinner.

I didn't know what I was expecting going into it, but definitely didn't expect how the night would have ended. Though, it was not the least bit surprising.

I was just replaying how it happened—from the start. I kind of already felt it, but I wasn't sure. It was so close, shoulders touching. I even tried to move away in case it was just in my head. Well, it seems awfully like how I always am: suspecting something but unsure. I tried to move away first in case I misunderstood and embarrassed myself.

I am glad it was upfront after that though, because it was easier to just lean in and allow for things to happen.

Maybe…. Just maybe, my intuition was frequently accurate.. I just didn't have the belief that it could be true.

So, why did I ask myself why I was okay…. I definitely enjoyed it. It's not like I didn't know how it would be. It was just different—a good kind of different and more freeing, too. It felt good to be desired. It's not like I have low self-esteem, but over the years, there hasn't been much evidence that I was desirable. In fact, there hasn't been any one bit of evidence over the decades, lol.

And then, I started to question myself—this self-worth I have. I can do better than that. If I were a third party listening to my thought process, I would have definitely exclaimed that my friend was worthy!! So… just why am I not jumping on stage to tell myself the same?

High Threshold For Bullshit

Lol. 

Do I really have a high threshold for bullshit?

A few things people have been telling me lately...

"Stop trying to be a hero."

"You need to have more self-love and be more kind to yourself. You are already doing very good at work."

"Crying so often is not normal."

"You have a high threshold for bullshit!"

Lol.

Why am I like that?
My mental state has stabilised from last week, feeling almost back to normal with my usual motivation for work.

Why am I like that?
I would think because I keep bouncing back up after feeling beaten, it makes people think I have a high tolerance for bullshit - do I really, though? :/ Or are some of my friends only seeing what I am showing them, and if so - Am I showing them that I have a high tolerance for bullshit? I would like to think that isn't true, though - that I have a high tolerance for the bullshit that is.

"Hero" 
I have no idea how S conceptualised this... But I guess that is true to some extent - me always accepting things, thinking I can. 

No, I know I can. 

BUT, I can do so many things only with the time given to me to do it. 

One thing I now hate is attending meetings. The nonstop back-to-back discussions... Where the hell is the time for me to do actual work? It's so bad that I prefer working over the weekends and spend the many small gaps between calls just stoning. 

It's so bad for my productivity, but my brain just can't. 

"Self-love"
A random big topic last weekend with the clique. 

I love myself quite a bit. But I guess I forgot that doing adequately for work and knowing when to let go is another form of self-love. 

Overwhelming myself is definitely not self-love. Most definitely not worth it too.

Random realisation - what if I chiong so fucking much, but my performance bonus is just shit? Lol. I mean, I value the work that I do. Just not as much as companies do.

Or maybe it's indeed true - I do have a high threshold for bullshit.

Out of Control.

This new project is killing me. 

The workload. The stress.... 

I am spiralling out of control. I have no idea how to do better, apart from just doing things. I don't want to be reactive, but that is everything I am now. 

I know she is good for the team and would be good for my own learning. However, with her attempting to step into the inner circle, my mind automatically goes into self-blame mode. 

If I didn't slip in so many areas. 

If I did better in all these areas. 

Maybe, we won't need the extra eyes.

Smiling, But Not Really.

I am feeling so much right now and need an outlet, but I can't seem to fill this space with words...... 

My brain is cramping. My mind is going blank.

Feel like crying.
Feeling nausea.
Feeling my left shoulder swell.
Feeling the emotions all the way to my gut.
Feeling it bubble from inside.
I feel like crying right now.

Unintentionally escalated my current workload when I was trying to give headsup about the number of meeting minutes to expect for a potential new hire... 

If this goes up...... adding the minor things the client is/has been escalating.... Deep down, I'm afraid I'll come off incompetent. Not capable to take on work... Will people finally see my true colors? That I am not all that good.... at all?

Am I taking on too much?

Well, my laptop is running so many things that it freezes everytime I try to do something.

When I try to delete a word from my text.
When I try to switch between windows.
When I try to close a window.
When I try to switch between conversations.

It's just a few seconds, but it's such a waste of time to wait for a reaction, but I guess this is my laptop telling me to stop...

Yes, I am taking on too much.

For a long time, I am unsure what I want or what I don't want.

Now... It's clear.
I no longer want to run on the ground. I want to step up and oversee the work being done.

Please GYM, give me strength to get over this.
Please give me strength to power through today. This week.

I need sleep.

New Year, New Intentions

I remember how anti-climatic it was counting down to 2021. I worked and blogged about how anti-climatic it was. lol. Then 2022 came, in an even more anti-climatic way like it doesn't even matter.........

I was in bed, mindlessly scrolling Facebook like any other night 😅

This time, I made the decision to stay in. Had the urge to spend the last/new bits of the year with friends, but the thought of having to fight crowds and whine about crazy Grab prices thereafter changed my mind. Even if I decide to hangout at a friend's place, I still have to Grab home... So, no.

Is this aging? LOL.

Or maybe, I'll just continue blaming COVID-19. ;)

Ahh... Suddenly recalled how I spent the last bit of 2019. Counted down to 2020 in a club, a colleague got so dead drunk it sobered all of us up and we only went home at 6am... Also saw the winner of Star Search 2019 while trying to guard our colleague laying on the floor 😂

Clubbing. Wow. So surreal.

ANYWAY, I digress.

Came in here just to note my new intentions for the new year. Not exactly new, new.... But I figured, I could make this the focus of 2022!!

Started being more mindful in the last bits in 2021, and hopefully I can continue through...

2022, I hope to be more mindful of everything.

Life. Work. Food. Intentions.

Maybe gotta first focus on mindful eating. *looks at my weight* Yes, lets start and focus on that. 🥲

Second Leads?

Caught Haha promoting his new song "GAP" at Jessi Showterview, and resonated with him - about being second leads and feeling inferior around talented people.

We can't all be leads in every situation, but at the very least, we are the main lead of our own lives.

We may not rule the world, but we rule our life! That's what more important than trying to be the top.

Right?

Yes!

I Want What They Have, Friendship

Was watching a scene on "New Girl" where the characters all get together at their island table laughing, talking about the weddings they went to together and just looking like they are having a lot of fun (S4, ep1)...

I realize.......... I more often want the friendships portrayed on TV shows, than being in a romantic relationship (I've watched so many chick flicks, I'm surprised I want the friendships more than love).

&I wonder why......

Friends who always have your back.
Friends you always hangout with. Doing anything and nothing.
Friends who are your best wingman.
Friends you grow up and old with.
Friends who know you so well, they read you like a book.

I have friends like that. Just not like that.

Is this reality? Multiple friends for different reasons. I guess so... Since we are all so different, it is difficult to find a one-friend-fits-all yeah?

And friends in reality grow apart... Not away from each other just...... apart, because we live our own lives too. Own family, kids. Partners. Friends talk less over time. Meet less over time. Hangout less over time. It's life.

Speaking of what I often want from watching shows.... Is it weird that I always only enjoy the chasing in romantic shows? Once couples get together, it kindda just dies for me. Lol.

Oh Damn, I'm 30

Went for a facial today, and the beautician asked how old I am. 

30, I said.
 

Then she expressed her surprise saying she thought I was in my 20s.

20s..... Probably thought I was in my late 20s, right? I sure do not look anything younger than 25.

Anyway, this was a random conversation I soon forgot during the treatment until I got home.. 

 

Until now.

So, late 20s...... It isn't exactly that far from 30, but woah. I'm freaking 30!!! Sure does not feel that way..

30... and still stuck living with my parents. Though this isn't exactly a bad thing, I would think I'll live a little crazier being alone.... XD Cook a little more... Or maybe end up living with eating miso and udon for days 😂 oh oh and steak!! 

Just thinking about having my own space, my own kitchenware, is exciting.

30...I've said this so many times. Maybe we only truly grow up when we get married, and maybe more so after having a kid. The responsibilities are different, you are no longer one for yourself alone. Then again, maybe moving out is good enough to grow up. To truly feel like an adult.

30... Oh, at least I finally feel like I'm going somewhere in my career.... After almost 7 years of just feeling lost. At 30, I now see a glimmer of light.

People say we are all on our own journey.
Different from everyone else.
So, what journey am I on?

I'm 30 already, holy fuck.

Age is just a number, yeah? But I sure as hell feel it in the body too! Can't stand too long, can't sit too long...can't lay down too long too. Lol.

No, this is not a rant entry. Just randomly thought about being 30.

Oh damn, I'm 30.
But I'm happy, content and grateful.
If I could talk to myself from a decade ago, I would tell myself I managed to keep with my life's goal...

Staying happy.. Surprisingly difficult, but I managed!

And to myself from 5 years ago, everything just somehow worked out… at work that is.

:)

Not A Morning Person

Uhm. Maybe......... just stop falling back asleep once awake?

I tell myself things at night. Then persuade myself otherwise in the morning. LOL.

Mind > mind > mind.

Not willed enough.
To wake up early.
To workout again.
To make changes.

无理由的开心.

就今天，
无理由的开心

起床容易
工作有效率
开会有精力

就今天，
无理由的开心

随便就这样好好的过了一天

天天能这样就好
天天能无理由的好心情

什么都不需想
什么都不重要

健康快乐就好

🥰

LOL.

Having suspected something happening, and actually seeing the said something really happen......... fwah. The emotion I felt is straightforward, yet complicated.

But at least, the suspicion cushioned the pain(?) No, the days, weeks and months of silence probably did.

I'm not even sure if it is pain that I feel. Maybe feeling betrayed is the better description. 

No, feeling hurt says it all.

I suspected the disappearance was because someone else came into the picture. Like how so many of the bypassers in my life had disappeared. No, heck… even some friends still in my life now have done it. Disappeared because they got attached.

Some of these said friends are still kindda not in my life tbh… I mean…. Still there but not really there, mostly there when activated at their own convenience. You know?

It's a sickening recurrence. Lol. Sucha cliché.

But even so, I understand. It happens.

People get attached, and have to divert their attention.
People get attached, and no longer have time for other people.
People get attached, and get sucked into another universe that's just them and their partner.
People get attached, and suddenly have no more use of the people they once called friends.
People get attached, and have to become assholes to people who were there when they were single.

I understand. It happens. I cannot throw a fit.

Who am I anyway?

I get it. I was just conveniently there. Always conveniently there. Conveniently available to fill up their time.

A convenient fool I must say.

It is definitely not because I have never been attached. Please, there are people who are capable of striking a balance. 🙄

I just don't understand why suddenly disappearing is the way to go. Cannot at least share the good news? Cannot still be friends meh?

Does becoming attached make you forget the person you text daily for a fucking long time?! At least one fucking year can?! Where the decency of a human being?!

I fucking hate myself for feeling upset over such assholes and then still be conveniently standing there with open arms when they do come back later. 

Fuck you, Jasmine. You fucking dumbass.

Ashamed

Just read my last entry and LOL at my angsty, dreading the training required and the readapting to a new person. . .

If I could dial back 3 months, I would tell myself to calm down and brace myself for the WORKLOAD instead!! How could I have forgotten the insane level of admin work required for resource matters?!

It was just 1.5 months. Exactly 34 working days. 

But boy, was it the most hectic, craziest, body breaking period. 

It's not the relearning of every process again. 

Not the cleaning up of the mess. Not the figuring out of new processes too.

It's not the heavy admin work I took back.

Not the routine submissions. Not the weekly meetings and minutes too. 

It's not the new financial stuff I was tasked with.

Not the doing while learning. Not the confusion and mistakes too.

It's not the existing work I was already doing. 

Not the reports I now keep missing. Not the side work I'm still managing too.

IT WAS EVERY SINGLE THING ABOVE AND MORE!!! So much more.

No, not complaining, but I need an outlet tonight. 

I am immensely grateful to my supervisor, team leads and the management team, for just…… not blaming me for my tardiness and my mistakes. Not at all leh. & In the last few weeks, I found myself almost apologising everyday for mistakes or for missing out requests....

Sigh.

A rollercoaster month is an understatement. 

First.

Talk about bad timing; it has been about a year or more since K said he would like me to take over more financial items. And he chose the best time to finally release them - when my team is one man down, amidst project transition and new processes.

Still, not complaining. 

At the start, I was just so excited and glad to finally get something new. I really took a hat that was too enormous for my head at that time. Yes, enormous. 

Learning. Confusion. Mistakes.

Second.

Things were transiting, changing.

Contract. Client. Processes.

At the very beginning (which is merely 1.5months ago lol), the change of client caused so much confusion. Ideally, new clients may mean changing processes so work could be easier! Yes, and no. While some work seemed simplified, there were some tasks with more steps… That aside, the lack of comms amongst our clients themselves was frustrating.

He said to do this. She wasn't told. He wasn't aware. And there we were trying to make things work with hands and legs all pulled. Dramatic? Definitely. Things were resolved pretty quickly lol. I suppose confusion was just for a week?

Also grateful to have patient clients. Not yelling at me is a tick on my box!

Third.

Myself. My emotional self. The biggest hurdle I keep facing and, thankfully, overcoming.

While working, I was facing a myriad of emotions. 

Excitement. For the new work. For experiencing what it's like being close to colleagues again, because people are coming back to me with their questions. For finally acknowledging my capability. For owning my lead role.

Fear. For the things I may/have missed. For the work that I need to/have not completed. For the thoughts people might have that I'm not so good afterall. 

Surprisingly, I was not tired at all. I mean, I may have been physically tired from the constant sitting and the lack of sleep, but I was motivated to be running… What it felt like at my full speed…

Who am I kidding? I was definitely tired and running beyond my maximum speed. But, I am thankful for my body. For only breaking down after 34 crazy working days. After the new joiner came. 

In fact, the exact same date she joined!!!! Lol.

It was a physically painful 14 days straight. Backaches, heavyhead, intense headache and the random tearing and sore eye. At least I took a step back and rested. 

&Now, I'm back and ready to run again!

Supposedly.

And then… Today, as I was trying to clear my over 200 unread emails (it is a huge deal to me because I used to ensure I leave work with 0 unread), I realise…… just how much my supervisor and management team has… seemingly covered for me. Just replying to emails on my behalf, answering questions on my behalf and just not… blowing up at me for not being prompt enough. Actually, not replying to emails at all. 

Of course, it may not have been their intention and I may end up seeing these in my performance review? Lol. I choose to see the good la..

I am nothing but blessed and grateful for the kind people I have in my work environment. Now and even before. ❤

I digressed and started feeling thankful again. Lol. Why did I need an outlet today? Mostly because I felt ashamed that so many people were covering for me and I still thought I was doing okay. 

I felt useless… 

This is the first time I felt ashamed of myself at work…

For thinking I am still doing okay. For thinking everything at work is being handled well. For thinking my running at full speed was enough. 

Well, it's not.

For a moment, I was distraught. Why are there so so so many items missed out - I actually looked at the email chains and felt like I was an outsider?! I haven't stopped running, haven't stopped working, but there are still so many gaps and things I haven't done. What am I doing? What have I been doing?

Oddly enough, after penning the above, I feel at ease instead. I guess things in my head started to change when I decided to be grateful for the people at work first. Because their patience was what made it possible for me to just continue doing my work and not just breakdown because someone yelled at me. 

Also, I told myself, I'm not my manager, AD or MD... Though we may be attending the same crazy number of meetings, the work scope we have is so different. They use more brains to problem solve, while many of my work is the execution. It's highly administrative and more tedious and time consuming. Not saying their work is easier,  duh. Mine is just more granular (and mundane). Like… after a meeting, that may be the end of the topic for them, but us… we usually have followups of the topics to do from the meeting. Amirite?

May my recent tardiness and mistakes not be the pebble in my career path. Please.