Was Good.

I have a tendency to replay scenes in my head when they are hurtful, embarrassing, or, this time, pretty good.

It happened on this date and has since been replaying in my head for… days.

This particular episode is a double-headed sword, though.

While I am fully okay with what happened, I unknowingly also started questioning why I am okay with it and if I am truly okay with it.

What a joke...

At least it was the saving grace of a pretty boring dinner.

I didn't know what I was expecting going into it, but definitely didn't expect how the night would have ended. Though, it was not the least bit surprising.

I was just replaying how it happened—from the start. I kind of already felt it, but I wasn't sure. It was so close, shoulders touching. I even tried to move away in case it was just in my head. Well, it seems awfully like how I always am: suspecting something but unsure. I tried to move away first in case I misunderstood and embarrassed myself.

I am glad it was upfront after that though, because it was easier to just lean in and allow for things to happen.

Maybe…. Just maybe, my intuition was frequently accurate.. I just didn't have the belief that it could be true.

So, why did I ask myself why I was okay…. I definitely enjoyed it. It's not like I didn't know how it would be. It was just different—a good kind of different and more freeing, too. It felt good to be desired. It's not like I have low self-esteem, but over the years, there hasn't been much evidence that I was desirable. In fact, there hasn't been any one bit of evidence over the decades, lol.

And then, I started to question myself—this self-worth I have. I can do better than that. If I were a third party listening to my thought process, I would have definitely exclaimed that my friend was worthy!! So… just why am I not jumping on stage to tell myself the same?