LOL.

Having suspected something happening, and actually seeing the said something really happen......... fwah. The emotion I felt is straightforward, yet complicated.

But at least, the suspicion cushioned the pain(?) No, the days, weeks and months of silence probably did.

I'm not even sure if it is pain that I feel. Maybe feeling betrayed is the better description. 

No, feeling hurt says it all.

I suspected the disappearance was because someone else came into the picture. Like how so many of the bypassers in my life had disappeared. No, heck… even some friends still in my life now have done it. Disappeared because they got attached.

Some of these said friends are still kindda not in my life tbh… I mean…. Still there but not really there, mostly there when activated at their own convenience. You know?

It's a sickening recurrence. Lol. Sucha cliché.

But even so, I understand. It happens.

People get attached, and have to divert their attention.
People get attached, and no longer have time for other people.
People get attached, and get sucked into another universe that's just them and their partner.
People get attached, and suddenly have no more use of the people they once called friends.
People get attached, and have to become assholes to people who were there when they were single.

I understand. It happens. I cannot throw a fit.

Who am I anyway?

I get it. I was just conveniently there. Always conveniently there. Conveniently available to fill up their time.

A convenient fool I must say.

It is definitely not because I have never been attached. Please, there are people who are capable of striking a balance. 🙄

I just don't understand why suddenly disappearing is the way to go. Cannot at least share the good news? Cannot still be friends meh?

Does becoming attached make you forget the person you text daily for a fucking long time?! At least one fucking year can?! Where the decency of a human being?!

I fucking hate myself for feeling upset over such assholes and then still be conveniently standing there with open arms when they do come back later. 

Fuck you, Jasmine. You fucking dumbass.

What Was I Thinking?!

"Colleague"

Pfft.

Just labels, not important. Still, can't help but feel a tiny prick when I heard that. Saw that.

What was I expecting?

I already knew it was nothing....

That's the thing. Sometimes, even if you are not holding any expectations, you can still be disappointed by something. Or maybe, we don't realise we have expectations?

Oh wells.

A Passing Remark

Tonight was random. A good kindda random. Those random times you least expect to happen.

Made a passing remark a few days ago, and didn't realise I accidentally made plans for tonight. Glad it happened though. Was nice. Simple, nothing special, but nice.

In fact, it was actually nothing at all.

.

"Forget it. It's all in the past."

I agree. I don't know why I still wanna talk about them; the past. They have passed, but I can't seem to shake them off and not bring them up when the conversation is about it. Is that me just trying to prove that I've been through similar things too? To not seem out of it even though those episodes were at least a good decade ago?

Gawd. How I miss the past sometimes.

Why is this happening again?!

Why am I being put through this same cycle again...? This is what…… the 4th time?!

Is this a result of a decision on my part? It can’t be... I certainly did not choose who to have feelings for. I don’t know what am I doing; If I am doing anything right or wrong.

Why do I keep falling into this trap? Why do I keep having feelings for someone who won’t reciprocate?

Am I less deserving than anyone else? Then the other person?

I am so tired of this shit. Of having to go through the same damn thing with another person. How I wish feelings are like switches that I can just turn off when I want to. I am so frustrated that this is so familiar.

Platonic. These are all just platonic.