Disappointment, Work & Fake

It is half past two. What a long week. Felt like the port Jeju trip happened a month ago, not just a week...

Feel largely disappointed with myself today. 

The lack of foresight and the lapse in double checking our order. Wasted many people's times, just waiting around. It's unbelievable how so many eyeballs looked at the same quotation, and no one caught the misalignment.

I couldn't get over it. 

An unforgivable mistake in my books. 

--

I am glad I feel a little more comfortable with the big boss now. 

His vision is clear, but I'm baffled at how we can make the change. 

He is right, we are all protective of our teams and worry that automation risks our job.

I had that fear, more intensely before. but now... the headache from the project I am temporarily helping to cover is making me want to improve things. 

Still can't believe he made a blanket statement about all PMOs being messy though. The leave log he said now has more structure was already something that existed, but the people was the problem -- they were not using it. 

I figure there wasn't a point to repeat my thoughts; I've already told him once or twice before. We have to know how to pick our battles; and this isn't worth it. 

Long week, long day, many thoughts 

--

Why do we feed more inclined and motivated to help our friends than our family? 

A question I find myself asking. 

I often do not mind going beyond to help out a friend, but then I find it a hassle to extend the same patience at home. 

Why are we like this? 

Why AM I like this? 

More recently, I started having these voices calling me out. Making me think twice before offering help. A voice calling me a fake, because I am only helping my friend but won't do the same for home. 

I will do better. 

First step to change is recognising the problems.

A Trip Together

People say going on a trip with friends may break or make a friendship - well, it does the same to families!

It has been a wild trip to Japan in the past week, a trip with conflicting emotions, many intense moments, and frustrating conversations. It is definitely a trip to remember.

Maybe just for me, though.

People remind us that as we grow up, our parents grow old.

I've always known this, but looking at how ageing has taken a toll on my parents’ bodies, has been tough to accept.

Sure, they are not exactly old yet - I also think so! But with our physique and them starting their fitness journey a little too late (during COVID so just maybe 3 years in), the body and joints have begun to malfunction.

It is a hard pill to swallow.

Watching them limp. Watching their legs shake. Watching them wince in pain. Watching them hesitate to stand and to sit.

I am constantly in 2 modes: I feel awful, but also frustrated that they just give up and don't listen.

It is not as evident here because we hardly do any activities together. We say we should, but someone ends up feeling lazy. We are always home, and Dad often uses his heater to ensure blood circulation.

The weather in Japan was brutal, and add on stubborn parents who underestimated the weather and didn't follow instructions on how to layer their clothes……… boy, it was so fucking frustrating.

It's like we were constantly in the mode of “told you so…” while still feeling the ache of them in pain.

The constant double emotions. The conflicting emotions.

This was why I've repeated that we don't ever need a vacation together to bond. We just want different things during a trip.

They are all about luxury - it didn't matter that they were cooped up in the room for 2 days. But us? We flew 8 hours and took 4 hours to travel down on land, the hell will we just start in the room?!

In fact, this trip made me loathe him a little. Just not doing anything was annoying.. And then there's the person who babies him. Goodness. It's how they've functioned all these years, but watching it now at how he is just around existing uselessly was extremely annoying.

Doesn't pack his own bag, but complains when the things he wants isn't there. Couldn't pick his breakfast because his hands just cannot. Made unnecessary comments about how he didn't decide what he wanna eat, but chose the same damn thing anyway. And just… standing there when she does most of the things.

I mean…

I don't want something like that. Ever.

Please, G.Y.M.

Grandparents.

Every once in a while, I crave a better relationship with my grandparents. I have occasionally asked a few friends, and even my parents, what their relationship with their grandparents was/are like.

A search for something common to feel less bad about what I have?

My mum said I don't feel close to any of my grandparents because they have never taken care of us when we were young. Is that right? That doesn't mean we can't make an effort to build the relationship after we grow up though.

What In The World?!

Me: “Yeah.. Drafting the email to lawyer now”
Shan: “Don’t you think it’s quite unreal
You wouldn’t have imagined that one day you would be doing this.”
Me: “Yeaaah.. very unreal. Tbh, everything that is happening now to my Dad and the world feels like I'm in a terribly written dream…”

A terribly written dream.

As I think about everything that has been happening to the world, to my family and particularly, to my Dad, nothing feels real. Everything feels like it’s part of a nightmare. Days are going by, still ticking off by the second, but it feels more like I am stuck in a dream instead of living a reality.

While the family is just taking life as it comes, one obstacle at a time, I am glad things haven't really changed. We are still the way we have always been, just a slight tweak to my Dad’s diet, and we are still happy and content (...I think?). For one, I’m extremely thankful that my Dad didn’t become a permanent resident of his darkness - It would have been easy to be stuck in the mode of self-blame, based on the scale of what he had done. And later… what he… got(?) is down with?

I am also really glad that my parents could handle their own situations themselves - I haven’t talked about it much, have I?

It’s weird to say this, but when things unfolded back in November, I realise my parents were real adults. They could handle problems on their own. Of course, it shouldn’t be something to be amazed about and I am sure they have done this multiple times, but being an adult now and seeing how they are dealing with shit and life, made me realise how independent they are, and I am really grateful for that. For all we know, we could have been those families that needed their kids to shoulder on parent’s mistakes, debt and whatnot. But nope, I am blessed.

-

Shan: “How’s your extrovert self gna deal with this circuit breaker one month period? Lol.”
Me: “I AM SO BORED ALREADY NOT EVEN INTO THE MONTH. But I’m reading lol”

The world as we know it is undergoing a major cleanse. Everything you see right now is about COVID-19; TV, Instagram, Facebook…. Everywhere!

As of today, plenty have either been self-quarantined or stuck at home by law, and every material / content there is, are about COVID and how people are dealing with being quarantined; with a dash of humor, of course. But so much so that I’m sick of it all (pun not intended).

I do have to admit though, there has been a few hilarious content - It’s amazing how people come up with them!

Regardless, living a world with a pandemic happening feels so…..…. as Shan puts it, “unreal”.

I am worried, yet nonchalant about the pandemic at the same time. There has been so much talk about COVID-19 that I no longer want to read the news; it’s all so real and devastating. I am worried because Dad has weak immunity and there’s Grandma at home now.

Everyone is having a hard time coping. Life as we know is crumbling.

It feels as though life has changed, but again, life hasn’t really changed much either. Or maybe that’s for me because I still have my job and isn’t financially impacted - just a little tweak to my work environment, arrangement and workload (A LOT MORE!). Perhaps being single helps too? No headaches on how I should care for my kid, keep them entertained indoors or be anxious about having to teach them at home during lockdown. Of course, there’s also my Mum dealing with everything else at home and all I have to do is… be home.

What do I have to worry about...? What has really changed for me…?

Extremely blessed, and I know it.

One thing got me thinking though; this whole pandemic seems to happen at a good time for me. At a time I am bored of work. At a time I feel suffocated by work. At a time I am itching for a change. How is this pandemic helping? It’s like a slap on my face to wake up! Fellow millennial friends will tell me to just go! Life’s not worth being stuck in a place. Yes, but………

My argument would likely be regarded as just stubborn thoughts - stuck in my comfort zone and being lazy~ That’s why, this slap in my face is going to help me reevaluate and not make harsh decisions. This period is a bad time to leave any jobs. This period where the work environment will be different.

I’m not unhappy, just bored. My fear for that 50% chance of a terrible boss / environment surpasses my feelings of boredom.

Good Friends.

Something terrible involving Dad, a scam and the police happened last week, last Thursday. It had been a hectic few days since then, juggling with the news, ensuring my project’s year-end event was successful on Friday, a really long-ass Saturday and a simple visit to the hospital on Sunday. 

I woke up this morning feeling lagged, but awake and at peace for some reason. 

It had been a pretty long weekend.

Right before leaving work today, I thought to myself….. One thing I've gotten out of the horrible scare on Thursday was knowing I have really good people, good friends, with me. And also realise how much my family means to me.

I always thought I'll be ruthless and rational when it comes to right and wrong, while I cannot deny I was also pissed and disappointed with my Dad, there is a larger part of me that was afraid and worried. That fear was something I have never felt before. That rush of emotions when he texted his apology and explained what happened…… 

I guess this is what love feels like. An emotion that isn't just black or white, right or wrong. An emotion that isn't easily overwritten with rationale.

My Dad never believes in having friends. Unfortunately for him, his friends very often end up seeking his help and asking for money. Thankfully enough, God has blessed me with not only good parents but also planted many many wonderful people and friends around me… 

They didn't judge. Asked how they can help. And frankly, it was just being there for me…. Good enough. 

25's Last Day

What better way to spend the last day of my quarter life, than with my family?
Today's a simple, but good enough day to bid my 25 goodbye and welcome the next number.

Quarter life.... Wow. Time is speeding up fast. We're no longer in our mid-twenties and will now be regarded to be in our late-twenties. Dammit. Can we rewind? Even if I don't feel much difference, this number still mean something, right? I'm not any wiser or taller though. . . . . . .

So today~
My mum booked the entire Swa Tow restaurant for the family to have a nice Dim Sum breakfast together!!!

Ha ha ha.



Obviously not.

The joy of taking leave on a weekday is to avoid the crowd. We had a very peaceful breakfast nom-ing on my favourite Dim Sums. :D After brunch, we just hung out doing what we usually do on a weekend already... Lol. Some shopping and spending the rest of the day together. ^^ As long as I don't work, I'm happy.





With this loving family with me, I'm ready for 26 head on!

January's Snapshot!

HIIIIIII!!!
Received a second postcard from Haniza all the way from New Zealand and was so excited!!
I never knew it would be such a joy to get something from someone abroad. :')
Though, I have to point out she totally misspelled my name.
WHO IS QING JI!! Hahahhaha.


January was a sad month with Jacintha leaving us too~


Farewell lunch for this funny woman~




Finally met up with Birgit and was so happy her son Rocco joined! :)
Super chubs and cute this boy. Had Zi Char near her place and it was so good!


Last meal together in the year of the Monkey!!
Mostly because I didn't wanna head home to early (for fear I have chores to do. Oops!)

IT'S THE ROOSTER YEAR!

HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR!!!

This orientation of our living room is really terrible for any family shots in the day!
Anyhow, this is us all on the first day of the rooster year, in a variety of uncoordinated colors. Lol.

My family's Lunar New Year has always been simple. Though I sometimes envy how most of my friends would dress up to go visiting different families and gamble their redpackets away, I somehow have came to appreciate our family's simplicity. Especially after starting work. Such a good break!! &Hardly anyone works during this festive so nothing much to catch-up on when we're back at work. HEHE.


This is us on the second day; me standing up to go pick Sugar for our family shot, before heading out to our uncle's place to visit our maternal grandparents.


Psst. No one takes picture for us; I love love love the invention of tripods!


Grandma!
It is even simpler when we visit our grandparents.

Our uncle's family is usually back in Malaysia to visit my aunt's relative so we're usually just sitting around munching on their Chinese New Year goodies. HEHEHE.






😄

EVERYBODY HUAT AHHHH!!!

Sugar Taking a Selfie!

Does it look the part???


What about this???


I would say this has those.... laying-in-bed-taking-a-shot-of-myself kindda feel.

Right right?? Lol.

After looking at some Instagram account with what seem like a cat taking selfies and just pictures on its' own, my sister has been pretty obsessed trying to do the same with Sugar. LOL. Yes.... obviously, Sugar didn't take any selfies. Though some shots do look like she was capable to do so.........




She look so cute la! ♥


Reality: Sugar's just like "Are we done yet, human?!"

Mum's Birthday!

💖

Countdown in KL!

2017 started on a sick note for me. I hope it doesn’t signify that I’ll be falling sick often this year? Superstitious much.

But other than that, the end to 2016 and start in 2017 was pretty chill. For the first time, the family celebrated and counted down to the new year together! Ended the year with our second trip to KL and kick-started 2017 with our annual KL trip. Lol.



Shopped so much, ate as much! Hehe. Just wanted to make it rhyme though we did shop and eat a lot. Not many pictures this year though... Is it something to do with age? I'm not as enthusiastic to snap snap snap. :/ Also, I'm really bummed we didn't get to sing karaoke this time because my throat was being a total bitch! Time was tight too... SOBS!

Good trip nonetheless, and HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

Our trip in a few snaps!


Happy Dad, happy family. ;)


The tub my sis slept in during our trip.
Ha ha ha.




So so true!


To more trips together! ♥

December's Snapshot!

Phoenix PMO Christmas lunch! :)



Random meet up with Bing Cheng and Jiaxuan on Christmas even for a nice brunch! :D




Working beside a sleeping dog; good life she has!


&Bye!

Family Christmas Card?

Get ready, for the family is going to send out Christmas cards this year. . .

.

.

.


TADAAAAH~~
♫Tis the season to be jolly, lalalalala lalalala♫



LOL.

Random photo-shoot after our dinner at Hotel Jen. Food was okay, I was mostly there to whack the Durian Pengat which got overkilled by the gula melaka. Really, just eat the fruit.

Also got a pair of freaking expensive shoes for work in the nearby mall - My mum paid for it because she insisted that the shoes would be good for my feet. (Fast-track 2018, I am still wearing that pair of shoes. lol)

Anyway, back to our family Christmas card this year...


The Grinch and Santa-rina~
Both in not so festive clothes.


Another shot with our new fireplace; as if Singapore isn't bloody hot enough.
Santa and wife reunites!


My sister totally judging me for suggesting we hold hands.
HEHEHE.


♥

Do you want the card? =p

August's Snapshot!

August has been slooooow and pretty mundane~


^^ with Zylia's mama also like my second mother. ♥