Just a reflection post because I've been really............ bothered by myself lately. :'/
I am someone who would very often speak what's on my mind. And I believe I am one who would occasionally package my words before saying them so I won't offend people.
Recently, however, I think I'm being too careless with my words and have been speaking way too fast; faster than I can process my thoughts.
Three incidents have happened over a long period. But the very recent one got me thinking a lot more.
First, a friend exclaimed that I converse like I'm her boss and she's the employee. And then, a friend find it rude when I use the word "dude". &Just few days back, I unknowingly made a comment that was unnecessary, sarcastic and just... fucked up.
I admit what I said was wrong. I didn't think things through and so, I apologised! But, I was totally caught off guard when I was told I came off sarcastic and rude too. :( I seriously and genuinely did not intend to come off that way.
I definitely did not have any intention to come off rude, sarcastic or whatever my friends had felt in all three incidents. Actually, there are probably even more such episodes just that people didn't find a need to raise it up. ><
I think this horrible mistake of saying what's on my mind carelessly keeps repeating because I am too comfortable with my friends. Not that it's a bad thing, it's just..... I'm taking for granted and assuming that I can get away with anything I say because my friends will get it.
Truth is, the things I say can still hurt people. Sometimes. Whether or not they are aware of my intentions.
I just hope that when someone gets offended by me, they'll come straight up and let me know. Especially my good friends because they matter to me and I don't enjoy harbouring misunderstandings or grudges. :/ But of course, I know every one of us is unique and I can't expect people to work the way I do and they may not be as comfortable with confrontations as I am. But really, it would make the friendship even tighter without all the small misunderstandings and unhappiness... No? :/
Of course, there are times (many times in fact) where I'll go back to reread my messages just for the fun of it (or maybe not). And then, if I think my message came off weird, I'll start bothering people to ask if I sound offensive. And I don't like trying to figure things out. Like... if you feel something, pleaseeee tell me! T^T
I really need to be mindful of what I say now because I don't always have the chance to explain myself.
Every year, I would reflect and say that I've become a better person. Somehow, one way or another. But now that I think of it, I don't think so. Maybe, I've only become better in managing my thoughts.
This year, I'm going to frequently re-evaluate myself and make sure I really become someone better and not take things for granted unknowingly.
It's so easy to forget things that we have with us all the time, isn't it?