Wednesday, April 17, 2013

30 Minutes Break, I Need To Change.

A "quick" update during my "short" studying break because my mind is very clogged with unnecessary thoughts that I'm rather distracted.

Using this new method to study (5minutes break per 30minutes studied and 30minutes break per 2.5hours studied) and it's working very very well for me. Dammit, why didn't I adopt this earlier?!

Anyway........... My random thoughts.

I've had plenty of happy moments and occasional gloomy moods but but but, I have never felt so... unhappy with myself before. I've always been happy with everything in my life and all~ But recently, my thoughts are just bad. :/

I am still happy with everything I have. Just that,,, I feel very... unhappy with myself. My attitude. My character. Everything.

I have no idea what changed.

But I wanna change.

I wanna become better, stop being so annoying and stop feeling so disguested and unhappy with myself.

It got me thinking when my sister complain that I never listen to her. Complained a few times already, but it finally hit me when she said it just recently again.

I used to be a good listener who, well, listens. But now, it seems like I've been doing a lot more selective listening instead. I would be hearing what you're talking about, but I may not necessarily be listening. No idea since when this has become a habit :( though I know I did selective listening back then because some people were just talking too much. :x

I need to stop drifting off in my mind when people are talking. Especially when my sis is talking. I really really don't like this selective listening, I wanna be a good listener again!

I have also been extremely distracted lately. Being very very inattentive. I hate it.

There's also my temper at home. It's quite normal for most people to be temperament and throw more tantrum at home, right? :/ I'm starting to hate myself for the way I treat my family though...... When I don't pay attention to what I am doing, I'll find myself just being fucking rude and disrespectful to my parents. AND I REALLY HATE IT. I'll always end up regretting all the shit I've done and said. Especially when they are super understanding and loving towards me. :'( This nonsense must stop above all! Z

I've been having too much negative thoughts about someone too. Z That definitely has gotta stop as well. All the tendency to think negatively about people gotta go.

Seriously, all these nonsense gonna stop. By the end of this year, I must be able to reflect 2013 on a good note and make sure I improve myself and become better.

At the very least, I need to start feeling happy about myself again.

I am somewhat glad I'm back to my senses and seeing myself from another perspective so I could slap myself awake in time.

I was also thinking. Why do I keep trying to be there for people who seems to..... never be there for me? Mostly not there or pretty much never there for me. :/

Most of the time, I tell myself "be there for people because I care, and want to be there for them. I don't care if they are there for me as long as I am there for them"

But sometimes, it just makes me wonder. Why am I trying so hard?! Won't I come off a bit...... pathetic to people I care for? Lol. I'm thinking too much aren't I? Seriously though, I don't understand why I bother being so......... concerned about people who doesn't really care about me. :/ I don't exactly need people to be there for me all the time, but occasional show-of-concern would be good? Yes, no?

At the end of the day, I'm not gonna be bothered if people are there for me and go back to being foolishly by them as usual.

Some people should really stop being too consumed with themselves and start looking around them though.

I guess, not only night time makes me think. When I study, all these depressing thoughts creep up on me as well. Hai.

ps: Got back one of our assignment grades this morning and I am goddamn affected. If I don't do well, I'm gonna be such a fucking letdown. Just pass is not exactly what I want. Especially when my mum already isn't that proud of me being in a Private University and having said that I can't even do well in a Private University is bad. :(

Gosh. My head hurts. And my time is up. Zzz