Saturday, September 13, 2014

I Am Not Okay

​It's 2:08am on a cooling Friday.

Here I am sitted sluggishly on my sofa, in my living room with swollen eyes. Thanks to "It's Okay, That's Love" I've managed to relief this pent up knot I didn't know I had.
Tears just kept coming. Even at scenes that weren't tear jerking, I'm crying. Sobbing.

Somehow, I feel relieved.
Somehow, I'm glad.

It's been a tough week. This week feels like a month has past. Work has been good but tough.

I realize, every week is never the same.
I want to run, but even as I crawl, I'm falling.

I want to do well at work. I am giving my best I can. But, I keep failing. I keep making senseless mistake.

Weeks ago, an overwhelming sense of self-doubt took over me. This week, my lack of confidence is unstoppable.

I am doing so much. I am constantly busy. But at the end of the day, everything is a blur. At the end of the day, I don't know what I am doing.

English. I've never thought my command of English is bad. But I know it's only average. Work has demanded so much of me.. Alertness, Coordination, Management and Communication.

I've never thought my command of English is bad.. Until this job started. My choice of words. The way I phrase my sentences. It is no longer simple English, but get-to-the-point English.

This week has been tough. Causing a colleague to make a wasted trip down to Tower. Managing the screwed up bookings. This week has indeed been tough.

The yelling and scoldings I got. The mistrust I've earned. The disappointments I've given. I don't know what am I doing. Thinking. What am I capable of.

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