Sunday, May 06, 2012

Conditional Love

Conditional Love: Loving another with expectation for returns. Returns of any form.

(Just something random I recall of from the recent Channel8 9pm Drama that has ended “再见单人床“.)

Love, in a family.
Love, in a relationship.
Love, in a friendship.
Love, in this that and all.

Exactly how many of us can love another unconditionally?


Probably a majority of us is guilty of loving another with conditions. Like expecting the other party to understand you as much as you understand them. Or expecting the other person to remember your birthday, expecting the other party to initiate a conversation or a meet-up. Or as simple as expecting the other person to reply a message.

One may explain that replying to messages is just a form of basic respect and manners. And that no replies shows the lack of. In the first place, the other party has the rights to choose whether or not they'll like to reply. They may be rude, but it's still their choice. You can hate and curse on them on this all you want though. *cough*rude*cough*donkey*cough*holes

Expecting your message's recipient to reply you is like a condition you attach to the message sent.
(Am I making any sense? I have so much in my mind right now. Just let me rant nonsense.)

Are they all expectations, or just a necessary want in life - A love acknowledgement/a "prove" that there's love? I don't know. They are probably the silliest things we argue about or the stupidest reasons we drift apart from or even fall out with people.

One fact I've learnt of myself: I'm someone who really needs acknowledgement. It makes me feel appreciated and whole. Though I don't harp on the lack of acknowledgements, I realize, I complain too much about it at times.

I stepped out of my depressed thoughts and unselfishly asked myself, "Since when and why did I expect this, this, that and that of this person?"

I just got my answer. Not only have I started to love this person with lots of conditions, I've also allowed these conditions and expectations to consume the love I used to have.

In simple layman's term, I do not have a big heart. A big enough heart to see through these nonsensical "conditions" and continue to love like always.

In simpler terms, I am not a good enough friend.
(S/N: Yes, I'm referring to love in a friendship)

I once shared(&probably still will):
"I'm just tired that it seems like I'm always the one to initiate......."
"Sometimes I ask myself if it's worth it to put in so much effort......."
"Just upsetting to know that he/she/they don't even bother to be updated....... "
"He/She/They didn't even bother to offer help....."

If I love this person unconditionally enough; I won't get tired of all the initiations, I won't question the worthiness of my efforts, I won't care whether they bother to be updated or to offer help.

I can think of so many ways to explain why I have these expectations. These "conditions".

But for tonight, I'm gonna tell myself that I'm just not a good enough person.

Not a good enough friend.

For now, I'm happy I am loving my family and some friends unconditionally. I want it to remain so for a very very very long time.
ps: TPL's Dinner&Dance and Yanling's 21st party entries to be up tomorrow!

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