Sunday, March 13, 2016

Some Serious Shit

For the past few months, I have been drifting in and out of negativity. This ‘slump’ that I keep saying. I hate it so much whenever I feel these awful emotions that it sometimes make me feel even more sad and frustrated.

Feeling sad and frustrated about me feeling sad and frustrated.
How awesome?

Lately, things seem to be worse. I can't seem to get out of this negative shit. The negativity bouncing around in my head. It's like I've been sucked into this black hole. I feel so depressed so often that I'm actually scared it'll become something serious.

I am not sure if it's the job that's making me sad or the fact that I'm still lost as fuck regarding my career.

I need an outlet, but I feel like a loser ranting about the same old shit every now and then. I feel like I should just shut the fuck up and suck my thumb instead of making a friend suffer and hear me talk about my insecurities, fears and all that negative shit.

I am so sick and tired of what I am doing now. I see no possibility for growth. I see no possibility for progression. I see no possible benefit for my career path.

And the most depressing part of all? I see no value in what I do.

At all.

I go to work now because I have to. I complete my daily routine because it's my job and I have to. Too often, I'll get the notion to just fuck care all these shit and resign.

Why am I not courageous enough to do it without getting a job first though?

Just be unemployed for a while. What's the big deal? It's probably easier to get a job when you're 'immediately available' too. Right?

A new job.
I don't know what the fuck I want. Where should I start? In a different environment doing something similar or somewhere entirely new?

I'm so impatient that I'm getting sick of myself. Why am I in such a hurry to know what's good and best for my career path? I'll just make all the mistakes I can and learn from them.

But really, can I?

Looking at how my friends are doing well and actually doing good for their companies is making me sad too. Why am I doing all these administrative shit at 25!? If I can't see the value in what I do, how can I be happy and motivated? How can I portray a worthy self in interviews?

On top of these work woes, I've also started to feel pain from being empty inside. Does that even make sense...? I've been feeling so empty that it's starting to hurt. So empty and hollow inside that I've started to find myself pathetic. So fucking pathetic.

Maybe it's this hugeass emptiness that has fed the blackhole inside me. Feeding it so big that I can't seem to climb up from my fall into it.

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