Imaginary Dialogue

How I wish I could switch off the voices in my head—especially when they enter conversations between two people and tell me how incompetent I am and how they regret trusting me.

Why can't I just trust them for believing in me and not have imaginary conversations on their behalf to make me doubt myself?

The body knows before I do - I started randomly gagging again. Even before I realise I am overwhelmed. I keep blanking out.

I don't know what exactly is expected of me. How do I continue running the project's operations while still trying to gain deeper insights into its daily happenings? Is this hat too big for my head?

Give me a sign. Is this the right path?

Bully

I have so many things going through my mind right now.

First and foremost, I am grateful to know someone who can see things very clearly as what it is and also so real to call things out as they are. Most people are usually just either.

But then, it also made me think about how I'd handled the situation. I am embarrassed not to have realised it myself.

I wonder, did I really not see it? Or was I turning a blind eye because of my own situation? My own benefit. Was I just too oblivious to the truth because of the other noises from everyone else? Or maybe, I didn’t realise it was that bad… I didn’t know what exactly was happening at the back.

I am better than this - I should have seen it.

As excited as I am about the change. 

As thankful as I am for the change. 

As happy as I am about the change...

It should have been done properly. A bunch of people gathering to bully the bully - what does it make of the group of people themselves?

Then again, what do I really know? Maybe they tried something. They tried, and it didn’t work. Maybe this was their last resort.

I am but a nine. What do I know?

I am Excited. Until I’m not.

Going through exactly what I was thinking of early last month.

I was excited until I was not.

I always believe in not having expectations because that usually leads to disappointments. It’s like a hack to remain happy—why do something that will potentially increase the chance of feeling a negative emotion, right?

This week, I realised that feeling excited about something is akin to having expectations. You’re excited about the day because you subconsciously hope (?) that it will be a good day. You look forward to it being a good day… 

Expectations~

And then, without knowing it, when the day falls short of your excitement (expectation), you’re just left with this gap - this disappointment.

Finally, The Year Everything Becomes Bland

I didn't think it would come to this; I am no longer excited about the festive season and my birthday.

Some of my friends had long come to accept that their birthdays were just another day and would rather not celebrate or make a big deal about them. 

But me? 

I still like the idea of birthdays being special. The idea that festivities are special.

I know every day can be special if you make it—but that's not the point, isn't it? Every day can be a good day, but not every day is special. If not, "special" loses its meaning.

Says the one who no longer feels excited.

It is a bit sad, isn't it? The day is now just another day.

Oh, what and why have I come to this......

Am I The Toxic Friend?

I haven't been behaving my best, not even my usual, for a while now. I know… I am fully aware. But it seems like I still can't help it. I still can't help feeling upset, annoyed and vengeful.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Sometimes, distance helps to remind us of what is more important.

Was Good.

I have a tendency to replay scenes in my head when they are hurtful, embarrassing, or, this time, pretty good.

It happened on this date and has since been replaying in my head for… days.

This particular episode is a double-headed sword, though.

While I am fully okay with what happened, I unknowingly also started questioning why I am okay with it and if I am truly okay with it.

What a joke...

At least it was the saving grace of a pretty boring dinner.

I didn't know what I was expecting going into it, but definitely didn't expect how the night would have ended. Though, it was not the least bit surprising.

I was just replaying how it happened—from the start. I kind of already felt it, but I wasn't sure. It was so close, shoulders touching. I even tried to move away in case it was just in my head. Well, it seems awfully like how I always am: suspecting something but unsure. I tried to move away first in case I misunderstood and embarrassed myself.

I am glad it was upfront after that though, because it was easier to just lean in and allow for things to happen.

Maybe…. Just maybe, my intuition was frequently accurate.. I just didn't have the belief that it could be true.

So, why did I ask myself why I was okay…. I definitely enjoyed it. It's not like I didn't know how it would be. It was just different—a good kind of different and more freeing, too. It felt good to be desired. It's not like I have low self-esteem, but over the years, there hasn't been much evidence that I was desirable. In fact, there hasn't been any one bit of evidence over the decades, lol.

And then, I started to question myself—this self-worth I have. I can do better than that. If I were a third party listening to my thought process, I would have definitely exclaimed that my friend was worthy!! So… just why am I not jumping on stage to tell myself the same?

High Threshold For Bullshit

Lol. 

Do I really have a high threshold for bullshit?

A few things people have been telling me lately...

"Stop trying to be a hero."

"You need to have more self-love and be more kind to yourself. You are already doing very good at work."

"Crying so often is not normal."

"You have a high threshold for bullshit!"

Lol.

Why am I like that?
My mental state has stabilised from last week, feeling almost back to normal with my usual motivation for work.

Why am I like that?
I would think because I keep bouncing back up after feeling beaten, it makes people think I have a low tolerance for bullshit - do I really, though? :/ Or are some of my friends only seeing what I am showing them, and if so - Am I showing them that I have a low tolerance for bullshit? I would like to think that isn't true, though - that I have a low tolerance for the bullshit that is.

"Hero" 
I have no idea how S conceptualised this... But I guess that is true to some extent - me always accepting things, thinking I can. 

No, I know I can. 

BUT, I can do so many things only with the time given to me to do it. 

One thing I now hate is attending meetings. The nonstop back-to-back discussions... Where the hell is the time for me to do actual work? It's so bad that I prefer working over the weekends and spend the many small gaps between calls just stoning. 

It's so bad for my productivity, but my brain just can't. 

"Self-love"
A random big topic last weekend with the clique. 

I love myself quite a bit. But I guess I forgot that doing adequately for work and knowing when to let go is another form of self-love. 

Overwhelming myself is definitely not self-love. Most definitely not worth it too.

Random realisation - what if I chiong so fucking much, but my performance bonus is just shit? Lol. I mean, I value the work that I do. Just not as much as companies do.

Or maybe it's indeed true - I do have a high threshold for bullshit.