LOL.

Having suspected something happening, and actually seeing the said something really happen......... fwah. The emotion I felt is straightforward, yet complicated.

But at least, the suspicion cushioned the pain(?) No, the days, weeks and months of silence probably did.

I'm not even sure if it is pain that I feel. Maybe feeling betrayed is the better description. 

No, feeling hurt says it all.

I suspected the disappearance was because someone else came into the picture. Like how so many of the bypassers in my life had disappeared. No, heck… even some friends still in my life now have done it. Disappeared because they got attached.

Some of these said friends are still kindda not in my life tbh… I mean…. Still there but not really there, mostly there when activated at their own convenience. You know?

It's a sickening recurrence. Lol. Sucha cliché.

But even so, I understand. It happens.

People get attached, and have to divert their attention.
People get attached, and no longer have time for other people.
People get attached, and get sucked into another universe that's just them and their partner.
People get attached, and suddenly have no more use of the people they once called friends.
People get attached, and have to become assholes to people who were there when they were single.

I understand. It happens. I cannot throw a fit.

Who am I anyway?

I get it. I was just conveniently there. Always conveniently there. Conveniently available to fill up their time.

A convenient fool I must say.

It is definitely not because I have never been attached. Please, there are people who are capable of striking a balance. 🙄

I just don't understand why suddenly disappearing is the way to go. Cannot at least share the good news? Cannot still be friends meh?

Does becoming attached make you forget the person you text daily for a fucking long time?! At least one fucking year can?! Where the decency of a human being?!

I fucking hate myself for feeling upset over such assholes and then still be conveniently standing there with open arms when they do come back later. 

Fuck you, Jasmine. You fucking dumbass.

Does It Matter?

Talked about the past today and watched something that triggered more memories thereafter. These memories…. I remember feeling so much when each episode happened, but now… Everything is muffed. Sequence now jumbled. 

Does it matter? 

It mattered then. 

Does it matter? 

It no longer does.

Seeing how memories are only but blurry images in my head with faded feelings in my heart, I can't help but wonder if anything matters. I can feel broken, so broken tonight, but will I remember this same time next year?

Does it matter?

Does it really matter?

One Day

Not sure if I really just need 24 hours to heal from negative emotion, but it feels right to give myself a duration to mull over something and get over it.

Let's race at our own pace.

My Parents Think I’m Not Lonely

My parents think I’m always having fun at work.
My parents think that I’m having it all good in life.
My parents think I’m not lonely.

Came to know these impressions my parents have of me in the past few weeks.. While I cannot deny that work has been bearable, and pretty fun these days….. I won’t say I am having it good? It is somewhat frustrating to hear them say I’m only having fun these days and like as if I’m not stressed...... 

I mean, do I have to come home daily in a bad mood to show that work has been tough?

Sad to say, I have been feeling more lonely than ever these days. Though not empty. Have you hung out with a friend, but feel neglected? Have you looked into someone and seen right through that they are not interested in your life? 

That is what makes people lonely. Having people around, but not feeling the connection anymore. 

It is sad. 

Why would one change after they get attached; their attention span shortens drastically. 

You weren’t a great friend, to begin with… You are a terrible texter and get too obviously distracted during a conversation that isn’t about you. After getting attached, things seem to have gotten… worse? Or maybe just more obvious and hurtful from the even less time we have.

Heavy Heart

Today has been a really good day; Spent it with my favourite people at work, doing work (yes, it’s Saturday lol we workaholics), eating good Korean BBQ for dinner, singing our hearts out and talking about our deepest feelings. 

The last part was totally unintentional. 

But this is life, right? Beautiful things happen when you least expect them. Tonight’s mini heart-to-heart session kinda <i>upgraded</i> our friendship to another level. I like these talks. It’s not often you can find people to talk about things at this level……

The irony to how great my day had been, I’m now typing this entry with a heavy heart. It has been a while since I felt this way, which is good. Even better that I haven’t felt empty for a while. A really long while…. I’ve been feeling happy. :’)

But tonight, I am going to allow myself one night to dwell on this. 

Tonight, I admitted to something no one has asked me before: If I’d wanted to advance a friendship into something more in the past. Yes, it would have been nice. Saying that out loud was weird. I have talked about my feelings before, but haven’t admitted I wanted more. Then again, when asked if I’d wanted it now, I said no and called out that the person isn’t great after all. You dodged a bullet. I nodded. I was also asked if I have any regrets about past relationships, and I answered ‘No’. I have never thought about regrets in this sense... It was interesting. But no, I have no regrets in my life (apart from not reapplying to a local University). Inevitably, I had to (wanted to) talk about the memories I still keep and can’t seem to shake off.... Those words said, actions done, feelings felt and memories shared. All the misleading episodes I was made to go through. All that was almost there, but not. Then, it came to this burning question “What’s wrong?” 

Tonight, I am harping on “What’s wrong?”, because… I still don’t know (and will never know) what is wrong. . . . . . . . .

With me.

Fears.

 Life and living, are both something wonderful yet mysterious and so very unpredictable. 

I am feeling slightly mellow this morning. . .

Kept thinking about my fears in the past 2 days and feeling affected when dementia is brought up. I am right in front of a train advertisement educating people about people who have dementia and encouraging the public to be more patient and have empathy. Sigh. .  Why?

They have a nice site name though: forgetusnot.sg

My fears. I have plenty. But the top few…. Cancer and growing old.

I don't fear death, but I have a fear of growing old. The physical problems we'll inevitably have, the people/things/memories we will eventually lose, and so many more that will deteriorate over time... 

We all know growing old and dying is the way of life, it is something no one can change… And I wonder.. why are lives so cruelly ‘made’. We come in raw form (as babies) grow up to progress to learn and to be better each day only to grow old to witter with pain before dying. Dying is fine. But the last journey to death is terrible. Why do we grow up focussing so much on material things we can’t bring along with us when we age and eventually die?

Meaningless

I think I'm......... broken?

I suddenly don't see the meaning to things that I used to really enjoy in the past; Lunar New Year and my birthday.

Just these two for now. Not sure if there are going to be more things that I no longer feel excited about?? But to not be excited about Lunar New Year and my birthday makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me...........

Like... It's LUNAR NEW YEAR and MY BIRTHDAY!!!

MY BIRTHDAY!?

I used to feel really happy when it's Lunar New Year, NOT just for the red packets, but (as I age) mostly for the family gatherings and snacks I'll get to eat! Snacks I'll get to eat!!!! All the tangerine and pineapple tarts I'll be stuffing myself with. Om nom nom 🤭

BUT! This year, all I want and did was coope up at home scrolling through people's Instagram and wish I'd felt the same joy they were showing. I wasn't stuffing myself too. I've also been requesting for mum's porridge when it's dinner time.. This is ridiculous?! I don't even like porridge on normal days!!

As for my birthday.......... I don't know.

I don't know where I want to go.
I don't know what I want to do.
I don't know what I want to eat.

I don't know...

Karena asked when I want to celebrate my birthday with the clique waaaaaaay ahead of time, but I was focused on planning our Lunar New Year (our anniversary too!) dinner first and reduced that priority. Now that our dinner is done and dusted..., there is still no date from me.

I'm not sure if I'm going through something internally again? But I'm not unhappy. Just.... meh. I don't even have a description of how I feel right now.

And when my friends start asking me when, what and where... I just keep saying I don't have that celebratory mood for my birthday, but I definitely do not want to do anything (like plan or think).

I am a tiny wee bit disappointed though; dates were mentioned and some things were asked, but things didn't follow through.... Kindda made me wonder, was I supposed to initiate, poll and plan for my birthday?? If yes, this year is just not it.

Suddenly, all I wanna do is spend my time at work, in gym classes and at home.

Fuck. Is this quarter-life crisis!?

Mandarin Songs Make Me Sad

The song currently on repeat.
One of the reasons why I start on K-Pop was the fact that I couldn't understand or resonate with their lyrics... Lol. It's true. Sometimes, some Mandarin songs make me feel sad. Like tonight.

It was a very good Friday and I was very hyper.

Though there was a little blemish in my evening thanks to some ridiculous salesperson from Dorra (she insisted I go for the free trial and is still holding on to my money! UGH. Dumbest person award goes to me, thanks.)......... ANYWAY, though there was this tiny blemish to my evening, I was overall very chirpy today.

It's Friday, I'm always happy.

But then, at 11pm, I decide to listen to my current favourite song on repeat and now I'm all..... down. SIGH.

I am feeling so much for this part of the lyrics:

我是真的有點累了
在原地打轉太久了
向左向右 往前退後
我和我自己拉扯多久了

I feel so stuck at my career now, it sucks.

Mr Nice?

Something is in my mind and I need to get it out of my system. 

But I… actually don't know how to start…… Or how to… talk about it. 

Earlier today, I had a random conversation with a friend at work and ended up talking about my past. My past… romance. Non-existent romance, to be exact. LOL. 

As I recounted some brief episodes, I realized one thing…….. Turns out, the most…. "decent being" turned out to have hurt me the most. 

Possibly unintentionally. But really, came off as the most bastard one when I think back. 

Being stabbed in the back always hurt more; because you don't see it coming. 

Actions done. 

Things given. 

Words spoken. 

Things would have been easier if you were more honest.

A Wake Up Call

I have known it for a while now, but seeing the exact difference and time frame had hit me hard. :(

Must do something about it.

It is like.. a wake up call I needed.

Just a little ashamed.

I have never felt ashamed of the path I have chosen. Maybe just a tiny wee bit regretful I didn't push harder for the "ideal" path, but I think I'm doing pretty good now… All these delusional thoughts until I became aware of how some (many) inexperienced fresh graduates get a great starting salary. In fact, greater than what I'm earning after working for years.

It is no wonder so many of them have this… annoying privileged ideology.

Then again, I can understand where they are coming from - It is not wrong to be ambitious. It is not wrong to think we can do more than what we actually do. Am I not crediting myself with what I am really capable of?

Do You Know What You Want?

… I sure don't. And this is fucking sad.


I have no idea when this entry would be published and what I would be doing when it does get out, but at this very moment….. I am feeling all frustrated with myself and my current situation.

Work has been good - all thanks to my colleagues because most of them are awesome and very fun to work with.

But I feel stuck in my career. Freaking 26 years old and I'm still in a role that's very administrative heavy. It's something I can do, but I don't see the value or benefits to me. There is no freaking skillset to get my work done. You just do them. It is still very easy to look down on the things that I do, and I hate it. I tell people it's a matter of perspective… well, absolutely! Majority of me is positive while there's this evil tiny bit of me who hates this shit work. Admin admin admin. I don't wanna just keep doing these admin work, but I don't know what else I can do.


Pathetic, isn't it? Sigh.


Life of a millennial. The older generation thinks we have it easy, but they don't understand the self-doubt and struggle we have with our identity. Just because they busted their lives for survival and we have a slightly better life doesn't mean we don't have issues of this generation. It is one thing to be forced into doing what you don't wanna do in order to survive, and another thing to be so damn lost in life with no directions whatsoever. Change is the only constant and this millennial faces another type of challenge.

I have re-contracted with an 8% increment. While I still feel sore that permanent staff get this 1k flexible credit at their disposal, and my lead emphasizing on how contractors are different from Permanent staff….. I've resigned to fate and decided not to fight. I am always this silly. Agreeing to numbers too quickly. Should have said I would consider it first instead of hiding my disappointment and awkwardly saying ‘okay’.

This is why my climb is going to be slow.

2AM Negativity

Watched “Logan” today. Though a pretty good movie, it made me realize that someone's negativity can really suck out my positivity and energy.

Halfway through the movie, I felt so tired and extremely frustrated because of how Logan had given up. While I am aware it is just a movie and everything was fictional, I couldn’t help but feel all… “UGH! Wake up your idea and get over it!” I was almost annoyed that he was being so beaten up. Lol.

Am I being insensitive? Because I know saying something like that to someone is extremely insensitive… :/ Then again… It is so mentally draining having to watch someone just go through the life they have given up upon.

Friends

I conclude that the entire class must have not liked me. I had plenty of good memories there and then, but I'm sad none of the friendship lasted. None. How come?! How can?? Why? They went on with their lives, they remember each other, but I'm never included. Never. I'm no longer sad or affected, but now I know... That should be it. That must be it. If not, what else could justify their constant exclusion? Even for major milestones of their lives… Especially for major milestones of their lives.

What puzzled me most is, why was this person who weren't even close back in school invited and not me? I mean… I was definitely closer to her than this person who got invited?? Lol. Or so I thought.

I say it doesn’t affect me anymore, but that doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally think about these. :(

Meh.

Trashy

HAPPY 猴年, EVERYONE!!! 🍊🍊

It's the first day of a brand new lunar year, and yet I'm starting it with a....... badly titled entry. Actually, base on my emotions right now..............., this will very much become an 'un-festive' entry too. Not the best ways to start, but meh 🐏

More about my Lunar New Year in another entry (it's been pretty good, actually😍), I'm here blogging right now at this time because it's another one of those nights I refuse to sleep.

Yes, refusing sleep.

If only we don't need sleep, I could spend all my time doing what I should be doing and waste half of them watching dramas. Lol. Pathetic. I'm back to watching dramas again... This time watching so so so many. I counted, I'm watching 9 different dramas now!!! Addicted.

I haven't been feeling my best lately. Happy, but mixed with many other negative emotions. I'm not thrilled about feeling this way... I am happy and content with life, but at the same time, I am frustrated, dejected and lost. Going by each day (non-workdays) with less sleep makes each day feel like a dream. The day seem to just..... go by. I kindda like it that way. Each day goes by like a dream. Like I am constantly high and light-headed. Obviously can't sleep less on work days because..... Well, i have to work.

I was refusing sleep and making myself think about random (and mostly stupid) things while staring into space. I found the possible reason why I'm so into dramas again.

I'll very much choose to live in another world if I can. Another dimension. One where nothing is ever real. One where I can freely pick what I wanna go through, feel, and just..... everything. One world where I have full control over every single shit that happens. Like characters in SIMS. Maybe this is why I'm again so hung up on dramas these days. Watching them makes me feel like I'm sucked into another world. No problems.. Nothing real.

I know I shouldn't be impatient in life. I'm still relatively young and is still allowed to make mistakes and bad choices. It's better now or never, right??? But this sense of lost is taking a toll on me. So much so that I no longer feel the desires for change.

Lost

What's the worse feeling one can ever feel.....?

I have my top 2.

"Empty" and "Lost"

I feel so lost right now, I can't even.........

Sigh.

Growing Stupid

While it's only human nature to grow up and wiser, I feel that... I am going backwards. Not like Benjamin Buttons (X) of course...

I am still growing old by the year, but not any wiser... In fact, there are many times I feel like I am more stupid than the day before..., the month before... and sigh more stupid than the year before! I don't know how is this possible?

I guess this is the aftereffect of growing up and slowly growing lazy. We stop learning as much as when we were in school. Maybe it's work that is not only sucking away all our life, youth and joy in life... It's making us more stupid. Especially when we stop learning on the job and just.... work.

I cannot pin point when and why I feel stupid, but it happens. SIGH.

A Brand New Start?

It's July 2017 now, and Photobucket has decided to be a total bitch. They'd updated their photo sharing policy and now restricting third party hosting to all users, unless you pay $399.99USD/annual.

It's not exactly a very expensive price to pay for the amount of photos I have already uploaded for blogging purposes, but............................... I have 2 freaking Photobucket accounts. It just does not make any sense.

SIGH.

When I saw how my blog entries now look like, I was devastated.

Every single photo embedded in my blog entries over the past 10 years are now..... just the same stupid image. :(

Over 10 years. 
I have 1594 posts published. 

At least 1 thousand posts with photos embedded, but now? :( They are just filled with this stupid image because Photobucket decides that they no longer want to do the free hosting shit. 

And now, I need to get my own shit together.

What's more frustrating was... I JUST UPDATED THE LAST ENTRY!!! -.-

OKAY! Moving on. Enough ranting.

Realize, I should have totally just stayed with uploading pictures on blogger.com.

My 2008 photos are still here~

Like this............. LMAO.
From this ancient post: here!
Or rather, my photos uploaded before 2010 are still here.
So maybe not all 1000 posts?
Just 6 years gone? T_T The years I blogged the most though. LOL.

Must always look on the bright side.
So I suppose, I can take this as a whole new start?

x

下雨了☔

今天在工作时，心情不好。。。
低落。
郁闷。

不知为什么。是因为昨晚没睡好吗？

今晚又不想睡了。凌晨一点四十分。。。

下雨了。☔

Wide awake for another night.....

I should sleep, I need the rest, but I can't and I don't want to. :/ Feeling all moody today at work, and now I'm wondering if it's because I slept late last night...

Work. Work. Work.

Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.

Me, Changed

Change. It's Me This Time.

I'm always going on and on about change for as long as I can remember.... Always wondering how people and relationship can so easily change over time... Wondering why such changes happen and what could have resulted in the gap.

This time, I know.
This time, I am the change. I've changed.

My perception has changed, my responses and emotions have changed. Things build up, and I eventually got tired. So tired, that I don't want to be the same anymore. So tired that I can't be bothered anymore.

I am well aware that I've had enough, and that I'm tired of it all. X But now that I'm looking back, seeing how things were like then and how things have changed over the past few months, I can't help but wish things were back the same... Simpler and less demanding.

I can't revert back though...

I just can't anymore...

After all that has happened and seeing how easy it is for the other to throw me aside for something minor, it just doesn't seem worthy to be crying over it again and again anymore.

Change can happen anytime, even over a short period of time... It has only been a fairly short time together, but over this course, plenty has happened and things are now different. Very different.

Maybe this was how things were like for others. Maybe I made it all too tough for others to continue too...

Change. This time I know.

Maybe, I shouldn't scroll through Instagram at such a late hour next time.