for the first time, i feel totally humiliated.

first day of term three, my worse evening too. worse through this term bahs. i haven't felt so humiliated and devastated before.

the problem haven't end, just like how it keeps repeating in my head. i should have listened to my mother. i should have stop being so ambitious. i'm still young but i've experienced the ugly truth about human nature. i don't hate them, i just don't know what's going on in their mind.
"initiative" the word that always comes out of most CCA teachers when lecturing committee memebers especially in orchestra. if you really have the heart to help, why hesitate to make the first move? i'm definitely not the type that will beg you for help, it's your life and your choice. what's the point of forcing you to help when you are not willing? we will end up being angry with each other. right?

morning was normal, as per usual. woke up early, prepared for school and that's how first day of everyday starts.

i've never felt so not trusted before. just say i'm being too sensitive or it's just what you want to know. have you ever put yourself in my shoes? what if you have spend so much time cracking your head to make an event a successful one but of course, had some loopholes and the next day, i called you and asked for the same thing?

how would you feel? maybe nothing because i don't mean a shiit to you but somehow i care about what people think about me and so on. go on and say that bothering about what people think about me is me but not you. everyone is special in their own ways. if you wanna be so selfish, then be it. i don't give a damn. my life shouldn't be ruin by you guys. half a day has been ruin and i hope it's the last torture. the last content in our last conversation.

what i was really pissed about is having to listen and explain to someone whom has totally no concern to the whole incident. i mean like if you're not involved, why not just shut that gap? no one would want to hear you voice out since it's none of your concern. the second thing is about the cruelty of human nature. how can one say "B" when it's actually "A"?

let me remind that you paid only four dollars only but expect more than what those who paid more. i even heard that you complain about me going around bugging you for the money even when you have paid me ten over plus. please get this straight, you owe me twenty dollars last year which you have yet to return and you have only paid four bloody bucks for the event.
what strong rights do you have to talk about sufficient substance to fill your hunger? fancy being kind, this is what i get. what i don't deserve but still, i've recieved that treatment.

have been thinking a lot lately after the whole incident. why should i trust everyone from the start? i've been cheated and taken advantage of so often. shouldn't i learn a lesson and start learning people to suspect new friends from the start till they prove that they really can be trusted?


why should i respect others even when i'm angry about them being ridiculous and treating me worse than a dirt? i don't think i deserve no respect. i'm also a human with feelings who may make mistakes. humans are made not to be perfect. no one is perfect and so are you. making mistakes is not wrong as long as you have learnt your lesson and i sure did.

when you are loaded with tonnes of things, don't crap around saying that taking a bus is better. do you know what happened previously? no! you weren't even there. have you guys ever thought how much effort has someone made before not appreciating their work just like that? what if you mum did the same thing and i said the same. how would you feel? i guess you would ask your mother down to settle the things because you have no backbones.


please don't talk to me in a tone that brings evidence about you being arrogant. don't talk to me in a whatever tone. don't talk to me in a definitely tone when you don't know anything.


out of the sudden, i feel so isolated. even with so many supporting friends with definite confort, i still feel so isolated. thanks for all the confort and stuffs. throughout my secondary life, i've experienced too much harm in various friendship. i can't trust anyone now. not even my closest friends. i'm now feeling so lost, scared that my friends may backstab me the next second their back face me. out of the sudden i don't feel like living. the promises he made. all shattered. all lies. all were made just to make me feel better. none were deep from the heart.


thanks fengni, yanling and gary for conforting me. thanks zul for making me smile and also wingyan who made a "promise" to try and be sensible in orchestra from then onwards. sorry that i didn't respond to any of your questions and concern when i broke down. i just feel like not answering to any questions. i'm really sorry.